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The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America QUOTES

The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America QUOTES

1 " I think the world honestly would be a much healthier place if instead of trying to find rationalizations for our bad behavior we would just say, "I was an asshole. Sure, there were reasons behind it, but that doesn't matter. "

― , The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

2 " A few years back, they jacked David Copperfield in West Palm Beach, for Chrissake. Yes, it's funny: "Yo, empty your pockets," and he pulls out a bunny rabbit. But it's also depressing. If someone who can make himself disappear isn't safe, who is? "

― , The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

3 " The Vikings thought they were big shots because they had boats. You know how obnoxious people get when they own a boat. They always want to go on the boat. "We're taking the boat out this weekend. It's supposed to be beautiful. Why don't you come? You never come. You're always working. You know how many people wish they would get invited to come on the boat? And you turn it down. "

― , The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

4 " Thank God for immigrants. They're the only ones who have any personality left. They still allow themselves emotions, judgments, and all those qualities that we are "evolving" past. I don't know what they're saying, but I can tell they're speaking honestly. "

― , The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

5 " To be American is to long for whatever our parents fled. "

― , The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

6 " The races are like America's children. White people are the firstborn, so they were Dad's favorite. Black people are the second kids, the abused ones, so they still hate Dad. Latinos are the third, caught in the middle and always trying to make peace between the other siblings. Asians are the youngest, and get good marks in school, but basically are just trying to keep their heads down and not get involved. And Native Americans are the old uncle who owns a house and everyone else in the family was like, "He's not using that! Let's move in! "

― , The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

7 " Even a guy like Jim Norton is clinging to his one empty tradition like anyone gives a care. My prayers for his death, as always, went unanswered. "

― , The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

8 " If an Asian starts to gossip, everyone looks at him like, “Don’t you have homework? "

― , The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

9 " Remember this: It’s never my fault. Either I’m funny and you love me, or I’m funny and you’re socialized against me. "

― , The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

10 " Anybody that has to keep reminding you how peaceful they are is usually a psycho looking to put their fingers through your windpipe. "

― , The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

11 " I knew NY was finished when I came back from a two-year stint in L.A. in ’93 and there was a Domino’s Pizza on Coney Island Avenue. I swear to God, I almost started crying. "

― , The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

12 " The tech boom was the best thing to happen to Indians. Why are they so good at this tech support stuff? Not just because they’re computer savvy. They’re also polite. That was what collapsed the British empire. They were too polite. Every other colony used violence to attain freedom. The Indians’ form of revolution was awkward silence until the British showed themselves out. "

― , The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

13 " Go to a cultural center anywhere in the country, no matter where, and even if there are no Jews it’s the Maurice and Florence Rosenthal Center for Art of Wyoming, the Herman and Lillian Tannenbaum Historical Museum of NASCAR of Rural Arkansas. They love a plaque. If Jews have plaques they can die happy. "

― , The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

14 " You have to value what you do if you want everyone else to. I learned that once when I did a show in New Jersey with no cover charge. I had this delusion that the crowd was going to be great, because they'd be getting something for free. No, they were the worst. As a rule, the more an audience has to pay, the better crowd they are. People don't appreciate something that comes for free, so you have to feel confident enough to demand what you're worth. "

― , The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America

15 " Comedians are reality checks for everyone. That's why we also have a moral obligation to take down heckler. "

― , The Coloring Book: A Comedian Solves Race Relations in America