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41 " Find joy in the learning, Pablo, not in what will it get you. It took me so much searching to stop searching. Art is fueled by longing but you must learn to want what you have, not get what you want. It's the only way to stop suffering. I pray that you'll know this meaning by the time you're my age. "
― Mary H.K. Choi , Permanent Record
42 " Lawyers and courts are for adults, and right now I'm a far cry from one. I can't adult. Most days, I can barely human. "
43 " It's demoralizing when wins have nothing to do with talent. "
44 " The care in his voice. The knowing tone. Something in me crumples.“Yeah, I’m okay,” I say quietly. "
45 " I don’t know what to say. I am disappointed. Part of me would love if it got out. "
46 " Why would she? I admit that part of me wondered if she was punishing me by leaving me in a hotel. But that’s a fantasy. Another self-important delusion. She’s not embarrassed of me. That would acknowledge that I factor anywhere in her life. She’s not hiding me because there’s nothing to hide. I don’t chart. And how could I really? Look at her life. Then look at mine. This is the deal. This has always been the deal. "
47 " Sometimes there’s so much under the surface you want to tell me but you never do. "
48 " There are so many things I don’t know how to do. Countless flaws. Configurations of words that elude me all the time. But I’d give my entire life if only to know what to say in this moment. […] I fail me as I always do. […] I nod mutely as tears wet my hand. "
49 " Back at my door, there’s a jumble of emotions. Relief. Defeat. A finality. I’ve been spat out of a dream I’d been deemed unworthy of. I stagger up the stairs blindly, collapse into my room, and cry. Horrible, unimaginable sobs. I sleep for hours and wake up with a tiny reprieve that shatters when I realize where I am. "
50 " Life’s hard, man. Trying to get better at the thing you want to be the best at is humiliating. "
51 " Be where your feet are. That's what my mom says when I'm forecasting - or bugging out about the future. I'm supposed to let an ice cube melt in my hand or flick a rubber band around my wrist so I can, you know, snap out of it, but I don't do either. I let the circles spin. "
52 " Back in my room I cover my face with my pillow and bawl until I can feel my heartbeat in my teeth. "
53 " How are you supposed to know if you’re depressed?”That’s a question for the ages. "
54 " To this day I have no inkling as to what I care about the most. I care about everything equally until I care about so many things I get overwhelmed and care about nothing at all. "
55 " Nothing that is a manifestation of your creative energies is stupid,” he says. “Doing nothing is the only stupid. "
56 " Thinking about what's happening in the inside of your head while you're thinking about the inside of your head is exactly what I don't need to think about when I'm by myself. Man, I hate having me for company. "
57 " How are you?”“Good. Better.” Standing in front of Jess, I realize how far I’ve come to be able to say this honestly. "
58 " I can’t lose myself like that again. "
59 " You learn a lot about yourself in the silence. "