1
" You know, having a panic attack feels like you're
collapsing, like your organs are rebelling against
you, and that you'd throw them up. It's like
you're on a swing ride in an amusement park. At
first, you're there waiting for things to happen,
and for gravity to mess up with you. After a while
of waiting, it starts working, and slowly you're
reaching a frightening height. And it's not like you
have phobia, but you certainly feel things as your
chest starts tightening, you think it’d explode.
Then, it's swinging and you just want to scream
or jump or whatever, but you can't do that.
You're tied and scared and there is no way you'd
reach a solid ground. "
― , Metanoia: Different shades of life
9
" Your sister tells you
You're stinky as hell
Because you don't shower
Your mom tells you
You're only good
Being a disappointment
Your brother thinks
You're only gloomy
Because you don't care
They don't know
It takes forever to heal,
Sometimes,
When the wound is deep
It takes you forever to get up,
Forever to walk,
Forever plus one to decide
If it's worth it if you eat,
And what to eat
And how to pick the dishes
From the kitchen's cabinet,
And that it takes a strength
Of walking a marathon
To wash them right after
They don't know
You stopped being you
You stopped looking in a mirror
That doesn't recognize you
To search for a reflection
The physics laws have no
Dominance when it's your brain
That's shut down
Fragments of reality getting
Forgotten in a dense black hole
In your neurons
Because for you,
Time has frozen,
And it's the only physics law
That works
For you
All of them don't know
That a corpse doesn’t shower
A corpse doesn't hear her mom's tears
A corpse doesn't care
A corpse is living in darkness
Because she's buried since a long
Long time
A corpse ceases to exist
It just is
And everyone knows it just is,
It's just there
Even
If it's a breathing one "
― , Metanoia: Different shades of life
14
" A series of unfortunate lesses
When I was eight years old, I thought when you
turn twenty you'd be complete.
I thought you'd find balance and get in touch
with yourself.
I thought you'd create so much more memories.
All different shades of memories.
I thought people fill their lives with different
colors. I thought this thing mattered.
Suddenly, you're twenty and you're loveless,
jobless, dreamless, and careless.
Your life is motionless, let alone you dropped out
of college, and you feel soulless.
I thought when you're twenty, you'd burn with
flames of passion and hopes. Yet, you get
colorless and hopeless.
The world is good at filling you with a series of
unfortunate lesses. "
― , Metanoia: Different shades of life
15
" The thing is
that she weighed happiness in terms of
comparison to others. Something like counting
the blessings, seeing how fortunate we are
"compared" to other people's adversities, life’s
brutalities, and crippling anxieties. Well, of
course we have things that others don't,
according to others. And other people have
things we don't, according to us. And that's the
justice of it, I believe. We all suffer equally, not in
terms of what we're dealing with but in terms of
how we identify and feel it. You know, those
disturbing mental states that we despondently
indulge in. "
― , Metanoia: Different shades of life
