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41 " She was an expert at conflating canned advice with any excuse for drinking to oblivion. "
― Ottessa Moshfegh , My Year of Rest and Relaxation
42 " I'll lend you my confidence boosting CD set," she would say if I alluded to any concern or worry . . . Every few weeks, she had a whole new paradigm for living, and I had to hear about it. "Get good at knowing when you're tired," she'd advised me once. "Too many women wear themselves thin these days." A lifestyle tip from Get the Most Out of Your Day, Ladies included the suggestion to preplan your outfits for the workweek on Sunday evenings."That way you won't be second-guessing yourself in the morning."I really hated when she talked like that. "
43 " Now write this down because I have a feeling you're too psychotic to remember: Saturday, January twentieth, at two o'clock. And try the Infermiterol. Bye-bye. "
44 " She couldn't or simply wouldn't understand why I wanted to sleep all the time, and she was always rubbing my nose in her moral high ground and telling me to 'face the music' about whatever bad habit I'd been stuck on at the time. The summer I started sleeping, Reva admonished me for 'squandering my bikini body.' 'Smoking kills.' 'You should get out more.' 'Are you getting enough protein in your diet?' Et cetera. "
45 " Talking to Reva about misery was insufferable. 'Look on the bright side,' was what she wanted everyone to do. "
46 " There was no need for reassurance or directionality because I was nowhere, doing nothing. I was nothing. I was gone. "
47 " I'm not a junkie or something," I said defensively. "I'm taking some time off. This is my year of rest and relaxation. "
48 " But coming out of that sleep was excruciating. My entire life flashed before my eyes in the worst way possible, my mind refilling itself with all my lame memories, every little thing that had brought me to where I was. I'd try to remember something else—a better version, a happy story, maybe, or just an equally lame but different life that would at least be refreshing in its digressions—but it never worked. I was always still me. Sometimes I woke up with my face wet with tears. The only times I cried, in fact, were when I was pulled out of that nothingness, when the alarm on my cell phone went off. "
49 " People would be so much more at ease if they acted on impulse rather than reason. That’s why drugs are so effective in curing mental illness—because they impair our judgment. Don’t try to think too much. "
50 " I could plan to do something and then find myself doing the opposite. "
51 " I just wanted to sleep all the time. I had a plan. "
52 " I steered clear of anything that might pique my intellect or make me envious or anxious. I kept my head down. "
53 " I thought life would be more tolerable if my brain were slower to condemn the world around me "
54 " . . . all the little bistros and cafes and shops I'd frequented when I was out there, pretending to live a life. "
55 " Oprah says that we women rush into decisions because we don't have faith that something better will ever come along. And that's how we get stuck in dissatisfying careers and marriages. Amen! "
56 " Tell me everything!" she'd cry, salivating. Poor Reva. She might actually have thought I was capable of sharing things. "Friends forever?" She'd want us to make some sacred pact. She always wanted to make pacts. "Let's make a pact to have brunch at least twice a month. Let's promise to go for a walk through Central Park every Saturday. Let's have a daily call-time. Will you swear to take a ski trip this year? It burns so many calories. "
57 " I got antsy, thinking about my past. "
58 " Mirth,” Dr. Tuttle said. “I like it better than joy. Happiness isn’t a word I like to use in here. It’s very arresting, happiness. You should know that I'm someone who appreciates the subtleties of human experience. Being well rested is a precondition, of course. Do you know what mirth means? M-I-R-T-H?""Yeah. Like The House of Mirth," I said. "A sad story," said Dr. Tuttle."I haven't read it.""Better you don't. "
59 " Did you take time off of work?""I quit," I lied. "I want to devote more time to my own interests."What interests? I didn't know you had interests." She sounded utterly betrayed. "
60 " I'd rather eat shit than have to work for that cunt one more day," I told her."Didn't you say she was married to a prince or something?""Exactly," I answered. "But that was just a rumor anyway.""So you're not sick?""I'm resting." I lay down on the sofa to demonstrate."That makes sense," Reva said, nodding compliantly, although I could tell she was suspicious. "Take some time off and think about your next move. Oprah says we women rush into decisions because we don't have faith that something better will ever come along. And that's how we get stuck in dissatisfying careers and marriages. Amen!""I'm not making a career move," I started to explain, but I went no further. "I'm taking some time off. I'm going to sleep for a year. "