Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault QUOTES

1 " Toddlers are assholes. They just are. Remind yourself of this the next time your two-year-old tosses a full bowl of oatmeal across the room. The oatmeal he cried for. The oatmeal you dragged your sleep-deprived ass out of bed at 4:45 a.m. to make. Remind yourself of this when you’re about to judge your stay-at-home spouse for the mess in the living room. He’s been under house arrest with a little asshole all day. "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

2 " Toddlers don't like to eat from their own plates. It's far too predictable. They much prefer raining on your own food parade by picking at your meal. When toddlers do this, it's their way of saying, "Motherfucker, I own you." If you've never tried to enjoy food while having a dirty, chubby toddler hand that has probably recently been up her butt reach onto your plate and pull off your last slice of bacon, you're living the dream. "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

3 " Having kids while not being rich enough to afford a nanny was the worst mistake you ever made. "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

4 " Parents love bathtime because it means that bedtime is near. To prepare your darling for her bath, put on your full-length poncho, because toddlers don’t bathe, they splash, motherfucker. When toddlers bathe, they act like they’re a junior member of the summer Olympics diving team. Get ready. By the time you’re done, your bathroom floor will have a few inches of standing water. The good news is that wiping up all that water counts as mopping the floor. "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

5 " Raising kids is hard and raising toddlers feels IMPOSSIBLE most of the time. We all wonder if we’re fucking it up, so why not just be honest? The kind of people parents need in their lives are the ones they can call to come over for a drink and to bitch about their day while their kids play on the floor. You should be able to say, “Hey, toddlers are assholes,” without them getting their panties in a wad. You should be able to say, “I hate my fucking family sometimes” and “Cooking dinner sucks ass.” Fuck all this perfectionist, gratitude-out-the-ass bullshit. It’s okay to say it sucks when it sucks. Yes, there are people in the world who have it so much worse, but does that mean we can’t let off some steam? Of course not. You know what’s hard? Even harder than dealing with toddlers? Pretending it’s not hard. "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

6 " Note: One terrible aspect of preschool and day care is that it will put you in direct contact with parents who are doing better than you are. During drop-off and pickup, you will notice that there are parents who drive very expensive vehicles and are physically attractive, fit, and well-dressed. We call these people punk bitches (applies to males and females) and avoid them. If it helps, imagine that their personal life is in shambles. Look for the parents who look like they were just released from prison: unshaven, hunched over, afraid of sunlight, confused, shoes on the wrong feet, etc. These are your people. "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

7 " There’s a reason toddlers are at peak cuteness. It’s because Nature knows that toddlerhood is when you are most likely to take your child to a public park and leave him there with a note that says, “I’m a little shit and they couldn’t take it anymore. "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

8 " How Do I Deal with My Toddler’s Behavior? Do what most parents do and drown your frustrations in doughnuts and beer come bedtime. Personal trainers and fitness nuts will tell you that eating before bed is bad for your health and waistline. What these idiots don’t understand is that you need to snack so that you don’t abandon your family in the night. When it comes down to it, isn’t it preferable to inhale a bag of Doritos and be forty or fifty pounds overweight than to leave your toddler without a parent? You’re doing the right thing by eating your emotions. Living with a toddler isn’t the time for you to be worried about having a thigh gap. Fun fact: You can actually create a thigh gap no matter what you weigh just by standing with your legs apart. See? Gap. (But, remember, thigh gaps are dangerous because toddlers can use them to climb back into your uterus.) "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

9 " You will NOT have time to clean. Even if you do clean, your efforts will be destroyed in a matter of moments, "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

10 " Note: Avoid eye contact with three-year-olds when they are hungry or tired. Like violent dogs, they assume you are challenging them and will charge. Too many people have lost nipples and eyelids to the teeth of three-year-olds. Too many. "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

11 " Someone once said that toddlers and grandparents get along so well because they have a common enemy. You. "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

12 " Four-year-olds are a cross between Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, and Stephen Hawking: They don’t seem to learn from their mistakes, are highly unpredictable, but show sparks of pure genius. "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

13 " She loves her kids and is just trying to get through the hard times without losing her mind. She’s too exhausted to be anything but blunt. She’s Sopha King Tyerd. So fucking tired. She’s who I became when I stopped pretending that I had it all under control and realized that raising kids isn’t about perfection, holiday cards, or Pinterest meals. It’s about experiencing the ups and the downs with the people who mean the most to you in the world. "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

14 " Never give a toddler chocolate. This is inexcusable behavior. We don’t waste chocolate on babies. "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

15 " Toddlers walk through life like we all wish we could: confident, demanding, and 100 percent positive that they are the center of the universe. They can kick their father in the testicles and feel nothing. They love to laugh. They love to destroy expensive cosmetics and to fingerpaint with long-wearing lipstick. Toddlers love to render electronic devices useless. They enjoy making debit cards and keys vanish into thin air. They like to permanent marker on shit. Toddlers live that #thuglyfe better than any of us could even try to because toddlers. don’t. give. a. fuck. The quicker you understand that, the better. Repeat after me: Toddlers don’t care and they never did. "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

16 " Age three is when your toddler enters full asshole mode. "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

17 " Three-year-olds have only one goal: to make you look like a bitch-ass punk in public. "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

18 " Pull-Ups cost so much because they sell the illusion that you are that much closer to having a potty-trained kid when in reality you’re not closer at all. They’re like the Spanx of diapers. Pull-Ups are a lie. "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

19 " What Do Toddlers Want? Your soul. Just kidding. Toddlers want whatever pops into their heads at any given moment. The problem is, these thoughts don’t stop. This is why even though your toddler specifically asked for crackers, in the time it takes you to walk to the kitchen, pull the crackers out of the pantry, put the crackers on a plate, and walk back to your toddler, he now wants a piece of toast in the shape of Jay Leno’s chin. Did I mention that he is also heartbroken and furious that you have presented him with disgusting offensive crackers that have no meaning to him? These crackers are no longer just crackers. They represent his frustration with having a parent who can’t meet his needs. Your child might feel the need to remove all of his clothing and cry on the floor for twenty minutes, ultimately pissing himself, even though you’re late for work. WELCOME TO TODDLERHOOD. "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault

20 " Once you have a toddler, each day will begin and end with a tango known as “Changing Clothes,” or, as many parents call it, “What the Fuck Is Wrong with You? "

― Bunmi Laditan , Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault