Home > Work > Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened
81 " It’s so somewhat effective that I now rely on it almost exclusively when I need to get myself to do something "
― Allie Brosh , Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened
82 " But my experiences slowly flattened and blended together until it became obvious that there’s a huge difference between not giving a fuck and not being able to give a fuck. "
83 " But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back. "
84 " To reiterate, no matter how much pepper you eat, it won’t undo the ludicrous amount of salt you ate before it. The only thing you are accomplishing by eating pepper is making your mouth taste like pepper AND salt. Similarly, switching back to salt again won’t cancel out the burning from the pepper you ate to cancel out the original salt. How is this so difficult to understand? You can stop whenever you want to. "
85 " Procrastination has become its own solution—a tool I can use to push myself so close to disaster that I become terrified and flee toward success. "
86 " Nail clippers: As you may have noticed, trimming your nails is a traumatic event that requires three people, a beach towel, and a can of spray "
87 " it became obvious that there’s a huge difference between not giving a fuck and not being able to give a fuck. "
88 " By now, I’m sure you can see that most of the things you want are stupid and most of the decisions you make are bad. "
89 " LOOK AT MEEE LOOK I own all the bananas now. Give me a dollar. Fuck you. Help me. "
90 " Because I can see the future and I know what will happen if I let you play with the lawn mower. "
91 " I had spent my last feeling being disappointed that I couldn't rent Jumanji. (...) And thus began a tiny rebelion. "
92 " On a fundamental level, I am someone who would throw sand at children. I know this because I have had to resist doing it, and that means that it's what I would naturally be doing if I wasn't resisting it. "
93 " When I encounter someone I haven’t seen in a while, I have never once thought, I should jump at them and poke their face with my fingers and keep doing that until someone locks me in the bathroom. Because that’s insane. What would you think if I did that to your dog friends? "
94 " I’m still hoping that perhaps someday I’ll learn how to use willpower like a real person, but until that very unlikely day, I will confidently battle toward adequacy, wielding my crude skill set of fear and shame. "
95 " When you have to spend every social interacting manipulating your face into shapes that are only approximately the right ones, alienating people is inevitable "
96 " I prepare for my new life as an adult like some people prepare for the apocalypse "
97 " I had always viewed feelings as a weakness—annoying obstacles on my quest for total power over myself. "
98 " But as long as I figure out what’s going to happen before it actually happens—or hell, even while it’s happening—all the struggling and flailing might propel me away from it in time. Procrastination has become its own solution—a tool I can use to push myself so close to disaster that I become terrified and flee toward success. A more troubling matter is the day-to-day activities that don’t have massive consequences when I neglect to do them. "
99 " My ego hates getting out of its tower to deal with this shit. "
100 " The longer I procrastinate on returning phone calls and emails, the more guilty I feel about it. The guilt I feel causes me to avoid the issue further, which only leads to more guilt and more procrastination. It gets to the point where I don’t email someone for fear of reminding them that they emailed me and thus giving them a reason to be disappointed in me. Then the guilt from my ignored responsibilities grows so large that merely carrying it around with me feels like a huge responsibility. It takes up a sizable portion of my capacity, leaving me almost completely useless for anything other than consuming nachos and surfing the Internet like an attention-deficient squirrel on PCP. "