Home > Work > Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays
21 " The real life of the party is flattened beneath the bed, taping actual sex encounters, not sitting cross-legged on the floor with a guitar, embarrassing himself and others. "
― David Sedaris , Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays
22 " He has a point there, that’s harsh. Unfortunately, they never gave him a medal for it and as a result he brings it up time and time again. "
23 " Dad said that the guy who can play guitar is going to be the life of the party. He’s confusing life with death. "
24 " He secretly thinks he looks like Marlon Brando, but take a good look a young Marlin Perkins is more like it! Maybe that’s what he sees in Annette Kelper—he’s an animal lover. "
25 " The offices were like a national holding center for the trainably banal, occupied by people who decorated their cubicles with quilted, heart-shaped picture frames and those tiny plush bears with the fierce spring grip that cling to lamps and computer terminals, personalized to read “Terri’s bear” or “I wuv you very beary much! "
26 " After the trial, I watched as another female pathologist collected maggots from a spinal column found in the desert. There was a decomposed head, too, and before leaving work she planned to simmer it and study the exposed cranium for contusions. I was asked to pass this information along to the chief medical examiner, and, looking back, I perhaps should have chosen my words more carefully. 'Fire up the kettle,' I told him. 'Ol'-fashioned skull boil at five p.m. "
27 " Last year a woman decided she wanted a picture of her cat sitting on Santa’s lap, so she smuggled it into Macy’s in a duffel bag. The cat sat on Santa’s lap for five seconds before it shot out the door, and it took six elves forty-five minutes before they found it in the kitchen of the employee cafeteria. "
28 " Miss Spakey, isn’t it ironic that while I was busy adding and subtracting you were dividing and trying to multiply.’ ” I know this is bad. "