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1 " OSCAR. (Sitting at table.) My friend Murray the Cop is right. Let's just play cards. And please hold them up, I can't see where I marked them. "
― Neil Simon , The Odd Couple
2 " OSCAR. Don't you know what's happening to the old gang? It's breaking up. Everyone's getting divorced....I swear, we used to have better games when we couldn't get out at night. "
3 " I got brown sandwiches and green sandwiches. It's either very new cheese or very old meat. - Oscar Madison, from The Odd Couple "
4 " OSCAR. (With a pointing finger.) I'm warning you. You want to live here, I don't want to see you, I don't want to hear you and I don't want to smell your cooking. Now get this spaghetti off my poker table.FELIX. Ha! Haha!OSCAR. What the hell's so funny?FELIX. It's not spaghetti. It's linguini!(OSCAR picks up the plate of linguini, crosses to the doorway, and hurls it into the kitchen.)OSCAR. Now it's garbage! "
5 " FELIX. I can’t stand it, Oscar. I hate me. Oh, boy, do I hate me.OSCAR. You don’t hate you. You love you. You think no one has problems like you.FELIX. Don’t give me that analyst jazz. I happen to know I hate my guts.OSCAR. Come on, Felix; I’ve never seen anyone so in love.FELIX. (Hurt) I thought you were my friend.OSCAR. That’s why I can talk to you like this. Because I love you almost as much as you do. "
6 " ([FELIX] suddenly stands up and cocks his arm back, about to hurl the cup angrily against the front door. Then he thinks better of it, puts the cup down and sits)OSCAR. (Watching this) Why didn’t you throw it?FELIX. I almost did. I get so insane with myself sometimes.OSCAR. Then why don’t you throw the cup?FELIX. Because I’m trying to control myself.OSCAR. Why?FELIX. What do you mean, why?OSCAR. Why do you have to control yourself? You’re angry, you felt like throwing the cup, why don’t you throw it?FELIX. Because there’s no point to it. I’d still be angry and I’d have a broken cup.OSCAR. How do you know how you’d feel? Maybe you’d feel wonderful. Why do you have to control every single thought in your head? Why don’t you let loose once in your life? Do something that you feel like doing—and not what you think you’re supposed to do. Stop keeping books, Felix. Relax. Get drunk. Get angry. C’mon, break the goddamned cup! "
7 " FELIX. I can't help myself. I drive everyone crazy. A marriage counselor once kicked me out of his office. He wrote on my chart, Lunatic!...I don't blame her. It's impossible to be married to me.OSCAR. It takes two to make a rotten marriage. (Lies back down on the couch.)FELIX. You don't know what I was like at home. I bought her a book and made her write down every penny we spent. Thirty-eight cents for cigarettes, ten cents for a paper. Everything had to go in the book. And then we had a big fight because I said she forgot to write down how much the book was...Who could live with anyone like that? "
8 " VINNIE. They were such a happy couple.MURRAY. Twelve years doesn't mean you're a happy couple. It just means you're a long couple.SPEED. Go figure it. Felix and Frances.ROY. What are you surprised at? He used to sit there every Friday night and tell us how they were fighting.SPEED. I know. But who believes Felix?VINNIE. What happened?OSCAR. She wants out, that's all.MURRAY. He'll go to pieces. I know Felix. He's going to try something crazy.SPEED. That's all he ever used to talk about. "My beautiful wife. My wonderful wife." What happened?OSCAR. His beautiful, wonderful wife can't stand him, that's what happened.MURRAY. He'll kill himself. You hear what I'm saying? He's going to go out and try to kill himself.SPEED. (To MURRAY.) Will you shut up, Murray? Stop being a cop for two minutes. (To OSCAR.) Where'd he go, Oscar?OSCAR. He went out to kill himself. "
