Home > Work > How He Gets Into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser
1 " What we found out by listening to the abusers was that these abusers began the abuse on the day they first met the woman. "
― , How He Gets Into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser
2 " From the time of the initial contact the abusive man is already beginning the abuse of the target woman. Firstly he is seeking a woman who exhibits some particular characteristics. Even before he begins to make contact with her he has already decided what sort of partner he is seeking. This decision is built on a belief that the relationship he seeks is one where he will be in charge. So it is disrespectful of these men to suggest that they are in an abusive relationship by chance. The truth is that the relationship they are in is the result of careful monitoring of the type of person they target. "
3 " Before the abuser initiates contact with a prospective long-term intimate partner he has already developed some very strong beliefs and attitudes. In his own mind he knows what he needs from an intimate relationship and he is convinced that he is entitled to have these needs met. He is also convinced that these needs outweigh any cost to his prospective partner. "
4 " These tactics are initiated if the abuser wants to explore the possibility of a lasting relationship and if he feels that the particular woman would be susceptible to such tactics. "
5 " …it is easier for us to examine the behaviour of the victim than it is for us to challenge the perpetrator. This may be because the victim, be it male or female, is more likely to present to our services and thus become a burden on our resources. As a community we try to limit our involvement by getting the victim to cooperate in his/her own safety. When the abuse continues we conveniently blame the victim for his/her lack of cooperation. "
6 " If women are to achieve sexual dominance it may be that female abusers are even more skilful than their male counterparts. It might also mean that female intimate abusers use different tactics and have different goals than the male abuser. What I have found is that the effect of female intimate abuse is different and that male victims and survivors seem to need a different response. Male victims need safety and options but they are denied these supports as the community treats male victims with an even greater degree of blame than it applies to female victims. "
