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Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement QUOTES

Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement QUOTES

1 " Every relationship is like a garden and every garden has weeds. Arguments are the little weeds of our relationship that grow up around the things we intentionally plant. Some arguments don’t seem so bad and are easy to work around whenever they pop up. Others are ugly enough that you go nuclear on them. That patch of land is abandoned as scorched earth for a couple of years. Either way, the weeds always come back as reliably as the days and the seasons despite our attempt to get rid of them once and for all. This is true of the arguments we have but also the arguments we don’t have. Arguments don’t end because they have long, long roots. "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

2 " One of the most surprising things I’ve noticed during my experiments in productive disagreement is how quickly things go off the rails precisely when people stop speaking from their own perspective and try to speculate about other people’s perspectives. "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

3 " By accepting a dangerous idea without endorsing it, we can still strongly disagree with our own understanding of the idea, while also listening to someone else’s understanding of the idea. Because they might be different things. The key is to remain open to the possibility that speakers don’t actually think what you think they think. "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

4 " When we find an idea unacceptable before seeing it for what it really is, we just fill it in with our worst predefined stereotypes. "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

5 " There’s one more realm to mention. Sometimes we think we’re disagreeing with someone and don’t realize that we’re actually arguing with a shadow projection of our own fears, and our worst fears at that. The antidote to arguing with a projection is to always know whom you’re disagreeing with. Make sure they’re a real human being in the conversation with you, then actually listen to their argument rather than putting words in their mouth. "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

6 " Conflict, when we cultivate it, is like a blackberry bush that is accepted and integrated into the garden. It’s watered, fed, and brought to health so it can play its part. "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

7 " Socrates taught that the true goal of dialogue was to reach moments of aporia—not to decide or become certain or be proven right but to realize that you don’t actually know what you’re talking about. "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

8 " It’s called the backfire effect….Why does this happen? The common thread among all behaviors that show up as the backfire effect is our perception of an unacceptable demand on our freedom. We may not have strong beliefs about which friend was responsible for the break-up, or how much we can indulge in drugs or alcohol on our own time, or which team deserves our loyalty, but we do have strong beliefs about what we think others should be allowed to request of us. When others infringe on this deep core value, it sparks the backfire effect more than anything else. "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

9 " The lesson? When we try to ‘win’ arguments by whatever means at our disposal, including persuasion, bribery, threats, or other tools of force, we don’t end up getting the results we hope for. "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

10 " To help us figure out what kind of argument we’re having, let’s discuss the three realms of disagreement, the head, the heart, or the hands. Is this about what is true, what is meaningful, or what is useful? "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

11 " a relationship without conflict is a relationship without communication and is bound to fail. "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

12 " The common thread among all of these behaviors that show up as a result of the backfire effect is our perception of an unacceptable demand on our freedom. "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

13 " When you find yourself arguing with your own shadow, you might as well sit down, because it’s going to last a very long time. "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

14 " When both sides think the other side demonizes them, it justifies demonizing them back. This perspective leverages this demonization in order to justify force that might otherwise be questionable. "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

15 " We can change our own beliefs and behaviors, but when it comes to changing other people, our options are more limited and the results can vary widely. Sometimes our attempts to change minds can actually have the opposite effect, making people dig in their heels even deeper in their belief. It is called the backfire effect. "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

16 " The key word in our definition of a disagreement (an unacceptable difference between two perspectives), isn’t “difference.” It’s “unacceptable.” Once the clash between perspectives becomes unacceptable, our motivation shifts from understanding minds to changing them, and from that shift springs a world of trouble. "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

17 " We have a tendency to continue to maintain old perspectives even after we’ve “decided” to change our mind. That’s called the continued influence effect, "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

18 " It’s called the backfire effect….Why does this happen? The common thread among all behaviors that show up as the backfire effect is our perception of an unacceptable demand on our freedom. We may not have strong beliefs about which friend was responsible for the break-up, or how much we can indulge in drugs or alcohol on our own time, which team deserves our loyalty, but we do have strong beliefs about what we think others should be allowed to request of us. When others infringe on this deep core value, it sparks the backfire effect more than anything else. "

― Buster Benson , Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement