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141 " would I find a breathing piece of myself I had not known was missing? "
― Elizabeth Acevedo , Clap When You Land
142 " I take down the trash. I microwave the leftovers.I wrap myself tight around the feelings I cannot share,an unopened present, a gift no one wants. "
143 " I will not stand still while the world makes my choices. "
144 " All I wantis Papi back.I want hisbooming laugh to shake the walls.I want his heavy knock to theoutside door.I want hisstupid sayings,& his angry bellow,& his mixed-up Englishhe would pepperin conversation& his eyesthat misted overwhen he prayedor when he danced.There are pieces of him all over this barrio,all over República Dominicana,& beyond that to New York City,but I can't bundlethose pieces.Can't tie them tight with twine;can't blow life into them,or shed light onto themor assemble those piecesto make anything, anyone,resembling him. "
145 " What are arms in the water if not wings?I slice through the liquid sky.Push the water behind me.I move with speedI've never moved with before.Out into the ocean & back.Until my wings again become armsthat are aching& my lungs need big gulps of air.I push onto my back and float.The curved spoon of moonpeeks through the clouds. "
146 " & for the first timeI don't just feel loss.I don't feel just a big gapinghole at everythingmy father's absence has consumed.Look at what it's spit out & offered.Look at who it's given me. "
147 " All I want is my father back.I want his heavyfootsteps to treadoutside my door.I want hisstupid sayings,& his angry bellow,& rapid Spanish,& his eyesthat misted overwhen his favoritesong played.There are piecesof him all overthe house, all over New York City,& beyond that to the island,but I can't bundlethem togetherto make anything,anyone resembling him. "
148 " Life is an exchange; you'd think a chess player would know that. "
149 " & I think about everything my fatherleft behind that won't be in that box:the swollen questionsthat are bursting the seams of our lives.The huge absence that stretches overevery waking moment.The despaired - the broken that fell apartlong before his plane did.I look at the scraps of a bodythey have piled into a casket & called a man.I know the remains are strewn around us.In this everyday life of the left over. "
150 " Never let them see you sweat.& even if you have to forfeit, smile. "
151 " she pat-pats my hand. “Just let yourself mourn, sweetie. You can’t run from what hurts you, or like a dog smelling fear, that grief will just keep chasing with ever-sharp teeth. "
152 " & if a heart has topography,I know none of these boys know the coordinates to navigate & survive mine's rough terrain.In other words, these boys would be no distraction. "
153 " Dre comes from a Southern military family.She wasn't meant to be a hippie child,but she's granola to the core. A tree-hugging,squirrel-feeding, astrology-following vegan. "
154 " The day we first kissed,I walked into my parents' bedroom& offered thanks to the little porcelain saintPapi kept on his armoire:thank you, thank you.I whispered to everything that listened. "
155 " If you asked me what I was,& you meant in terms of culture,I'd say Dominican.No hesitation,no question about it.Can you be from a placeyou have never been?You can find the island stamped all over me,but what would the island find if I was there?Can you claim a home that does not know you,much less claim you as its own? "
156 " Of all the ways it could endit ends not with us in the sky or the water,but togetheron solid earthsafely grounded. "
157 " Just let yourself mourn, sweetie.You can't run from what hurts you, or like a dog smelling fear,that grief will just keep chasing with ever-sharp teeth. "
158 " More & more, I sit on the fire escape just to get a chance to breathe. Our house these days is a choked-up throat. I cannot exhale myself out the front door. "
159 " I think of how the word unhappy housesso many unanswered questions. "
160 " But last year, things changed, & so did I. So did chess. & if the game taught me one thing, it's once you lift a pawn off the board,you have to move it forward. It cannot return where it was. "