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1 " A brick could be used to increase your annual sales. But before you can sell, you’ve got to buy. For just $9.99 I’ll show you how a common brick can transform you into an uncommon salesman. "
― Jarod Kintz , Blanket
2 " A brick could be used as a child’s game to improve memory. I forgot how exactly, but then I never played much. "
3 " A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman? "
4 " A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it’ll be easier for you to carry it across the desert. You’d better get walking, because me and my camel won’t be stopping until we have to pee. "
5 " A blanket could be used to cover up your infidelity. Either use the blanket to hide your cheating ways, or figure out how to fornicate with all your clothes on. "
6 " A brick could be used to soften resistance. Smash the opposition into a pulp! "
7 " I lay warm in bed like a melted marshmallow in a graham cracker. I really wish my blanket wasn’t so rigid and crumbly. "
8 " A blanket could be used to keep an iceberg warm. People are so selfish and want to stop global warming. Well, if you were a snowman, and were cold all the time, wouldn’t you welcome a little summer into your winter? "
9 " A brick could be used to foretell the future. But I’m the only one alive who knows how to make it work, and my occult knowledge can be rented out to you for $9.99 per minute. Call now, as supplies are limited. (Technically there’s only one future, but there are also as many futures as there are people willing to pay for it.) "
10 " A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver, and the most opportune moment to snatch your mother-in-law away to never be seen or heard from again. "
11 " A brick could be exchanged for a bar of gold. But be sure you wait until the owner of the gold isn’t looking before you make the switch. "
12 " Bricks could be used like trophies. And if we give them to everyone, just for participating, then collectively we could build a big House of Emptiness. "
13 " A blanket could be used to show people the benefits of sleeping with a parachute—especially if you’ve got a flying bed like I do. "
14 " A brick could be used as a substitute for the brother I never had. It seems ridiculous, but I’ve always wanted a brother who was smarter than the average politician. "
15 " A brick could be used to help you maintain a balanced diet, by keeping your head perfectly still with the brick steady on your skull while you eat. "
16 " A blanket could be used to foil slave traders. But so could tinfoil and leftover meatloaf. Geez, the whole Civil War could have been avoided if only Lincoln had known that little trick. "
17 " A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a gift of something I’ve just grifted. So while he’s pondering the meaning of the brick as a present, I’m off spending his money. It’s win-win for both of us. And by both of us I mean me and you, not me and him, because naturally you’ll be my accomplice, my partner, and as such you’re entitled to half. Of half. But since I’m paying you 25%, you’re paying for dinner. "
18 " A blanket could be used like Lenny McDenny says hello. He never says hi, because he only says goodbye. He’s always leaving and never arriving. I’m like that too, except I’m always arriving and never leaving. I also eat all the food in your fridge, and never leave when you ask me to. Why would I leave? Good food, good friends, and good food. "
19 " A blanket could be used to line the walls of the Love Chamber, to soundproof it so that nobody hears you scream. "
20 " A blanket could be used to smother a fire—but not the fire that burns in my heart for you. Or perhaps that’s merely heartburn, and you’re just as common as a brick. "
