3
" And then the screen went white.
Like, blinding white.
He grunted and covered his eyes. “I told you not to do that.”
“Fuck you, man. I totally got you again. Feel that heavenly light, you little bitch. Feel it all over you. Drink it in, for I am the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.”
“I hate you so much.”
“Shut up. Whatever. You love me.”
“Turn it down.”
“Oh, is the pretty light hurting Satan’s wittle eyes? Aw. There, there, wittle Satan. I’ll turn it down for you.”
The light faded.
Satan dropped his hand and glared at the screen.
There, with a dipshit grin on his face, was God himself. "
― T.J. Klune , Blasphemy!
4
" A loud crash came from somewhere off screen. “Sorry, man. Hold on a second. I swear to me, don’t ever have children. They drive you up the wall.” God stood from his chair and stepped away off screen. “Jesus! Jesus Christ, you better not be making a mess in the kitchen. We just had it cleaned!”
A surly response came crackling through the monitor. “I’m not! And don’t tell me what to do! You’re not even my real dad. Joseph is! When he and Mom get back from their vacation, I’m going to tell them you never let me do anything.”
“You do that,” God said. “See how far it gets you. And you know I’m your real dad. Your mom was a virgin when I put my seed of light inside of—”
“Gross! Stop it! And that’s not how pregnancy works. You made sure of that!”
“Just…I’m making a very important call right now. Please keep it down. I promise when I finish, we’ll go ride unicorns or something. We’ll make a day of it.”
“I hate unicorns!”
“Jesus, I’m warning you. Lose the tone.”
“Or what, you’ll send me to Earth and let me die for more sins again that aren’t even my own? Real original. Oh, hey, guys, of course you can nail me to a piece of wood. I’m here for you, after all!”
“That’s it. You’re grounded!”
“You can’t ground me! I’m calling Mom!”
“Do it, then! And you tell her that you think she wasn’t a virgin. See how that goes.”
“I’m going to hang out with my friends. At least beggars and whores understand me!”
Somewhere deep inside the cloud castle God lived in, a door slammed. God sighed as he reappeared on screen, sitting back down in his chair. “Sorry about that, man. Sharing custody is hard. Joseph and Mary have been gone for a week. It feels like a year. "
― T.J. Klune , Blasphemy!
