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Dave Barry's Greatest Hits QUOTES

Dave Barry's Greatest Hits QUOTES

1 " 2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting anybody off. This is very important. If anybody does get off, it is legal to tackle him and drag him back on. "

― Dave Barry , Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

2 " Think, for a moment, of the countless happy childhood hours you spent with this amazing device: Drawing perfect horizontals, drawing perfect verticals, drawing really spastic diagonals, trying to scrape away the silver powder from the window so you could look inside. "

― Dave Barry , Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

3 " If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the flights I’ve been on lately, we passengers would have swiftly beaten them to death with those hard rolls you get with your in-flight meal. Funny, isn’t it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner toll you could kill a musk ox with. "

― Dave Barry , Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

4 " WARNING: ANY MONEY YOU SAVE BY DOING HOMEOWNER PROJECTS YOURSELF WILL BE OFFSET BY THE COST OF HIRING COMPETENT PROFESSIONALS TO COME AND REMOVE THEM SO YOU CAN SELL YOUR HOUSE, NOT TO MENTION THE EMOTIONAL TRAUMA ASSOCIATED WITH LISTENING TO THESE PROFESSIONALS, AS THEY RIP OUT LARGE CHUNKS OF A PROJECT, LAUGH, AND YELL REMARKS SUCH AS: “HEY! GET A LOAD OF THIS. "

― Dave Barry , Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

5 " I chose the members very carefully, based on their ability to correctly answer the following question: “Do you want to go to Orlando at your own expense and perform before Tupperware distributors?” (The correct answer was: “Yes.”) "

― Dave Barry , Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

6 " HAVE YOU EVER REALLY EMBARRASSED YOURSELF? Don’t answer that, stupid. It’s a rhetorical question. Of course you’ve embarrassed yourself. Everybody has. I bet the pope has. If you were to say to the pope: “Your Holy Worshipfulness, I bet you’ve pulled some blockheaded boners in your day, huh?” he’d smile that warm, knowing, fatherly smile he has, and then he’d wave. He can’t hear a word you’re saying, up on that balcony. "

― Dave Barry , Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

7 " When you called for your installation appointment, the Telephone Company would say: “We will have an installer in your area between the hours of 9 A.M. October 3 and the following spring. Will someone be at home?” And you would say yes, if you wanted a phone. "

― Dave Barry , Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

8 " You would stay at home, the anxious hours ticking by, and you would wait for your Phone Man. It was as close as most people came to experiencing what heroin addicts go through, the difference being that heroin addicts have the option of going to another supplier. Phone customers didn’t. They feared the power of the Telephone Company. "

― Dave Barry , Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

9 " Of course most of us find it difficult to talk about insects without bringing up the subject of sex. "

― Dave Barry , Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

10 " Been in a lot of time zones. Been on a lot of planes. Had a lot of complimentary honey-roasted peanuts whapped onto my tray table by hostile flight attendants. “Would you care for some peanuts, sir?” WHAP. Like that. The flight attendants hate us passengers, because we’re surly to them because our flight is delayed. Our flight is always delayed. The Russians will never be able to get their missiles through the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns. "

― Dave Barry , Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

11 " Your guess is as good as mine. Better, probably, because you haven’t had four beers. "

― Dave Barry , Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

12 " And what other advances does the future hold, technology-wise? Even as you read these words, white-coated laboratory geeks are working on a revolutionary new camera that not only will focus automatically, set the exposure automatically, flash automatically, and advance the film automatically, but will also automatically refuse to take stupid pictures, such as of the wing out the airplane window. "

― Dave Barry , Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

13 " Now, if Richard Nixon had claimed something like that you would at least have had the comfort of knowing he was lying. You could trust Nixon that way. "

― Dave Barry , Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

14 " AS A PROFESSIONAL HUMORIST, I OFTEN GET LETTERS from readers who are interested in the basic nature of humor. “What kind of a sick, perverted, disgusting person are you,” these letters typically ask, “that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat? "

― Dave Barry , Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

15 " Nevertheless, we do need insects, for they perform many useful functions. Without insects, for example, we would have no reliable way to spread certain diseases. "

― Dave Barry , Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

16 " I realize I am generalizing here, but, as is often the case when I generalize, I don’t care. "

― Dave Barry , Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

17 " Too violent, you say? Shut up or I’ll break your legs. "

― Dave Barry , Dave Barry's Greatest Hits