Home > Work > I Am America (And So Can You!)
41 " Just because I haven't put a lot of thought into this book doesn't mean you shouldn't. I warn you to read this book carefully. Savor my ideas. Memorize the pertinent passages. Eat with it, sleep with it, let nature take its course. Because what I have dictated is nothing less than a Constitution for the Colbert Nation. And, like our Founding Fathers, I hold my Truths to be self-evident, which is why I did absolutely no research. I didn't need to. The only research I needed was a long hard look in the mirror. "
― Stephen Colbert , I Am America (And So Can You!)
42 " Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action. "
43 " You can't spell "parentry" without "try." Of course, you'll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out. "
44 " Unfortunately, most of today’s women resemble bowerbirds that force suitors to build elaborate nests of twigs, leaves, and discarded garbage before choosing a mate. Any male who doesn’t meet her standards doesn’t get to mate that year; one assumes he just stays in his bower, reads bower manuals, and watches bowerbird porn. "
45 " Bam! That's me off the cuff. Blunt and in your face. No editing. I think it. I say it. You read it. Sometimes I don't even think it, I just say it. "
46 " The [Motion Picture Production Code] took effect on March 31, 1930, 5 months too late to prevent the Wall Street Crash, but early enough to keep The Sixties from happening until approximately 1964. (When America fell victim to the British Invasion). "
47 " Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.So go crazy with the rules―the time your child spends trying to figure them out is time he won't be stapling firecrackers to the neighbor's dog. "
48 " Physics. Some say this science is fundamental; I say it’s a bunch of unnecessary regulations. Physics is the ultimate Big Government interference—universal laws meant to constrain us at every turn. "
49 " You only live through your kids once. "
50 " Olympics are a warped, watered-down version of the only worthy contest between nations: war, "
51 " The next sentence is false.The previous sentence is true. I'll wait while your heads explode. "
52 " I think it. I say it. You hear it. Sometimes, I don't even think it, I just say it. "