81
" In all seriousness, Archer claims that if you, as a living, alive person, hear the song “You’re the One That I Want” from the musical Grease three times in a single day—seemingly by accident, whether in an elevator, on a radio, a telephone hold button, or wherever—it indicates that you’ll surely die before sunset. In contrast, the phantom odor of scorched toast merely means that a deceased loved one continues to watch over you and protect you from harm. "
― Chuck Palahniuk , Damned (Damned, #1)
96
" The moment the colorful papier-mâché burst, instead of Tootsie Rolls or Hershey’s Kisses, everyone present was showered with Vicodins, Darvons, Percodans, amyl nitrate ampoules, LSD stamps, and assorted barbiturates. The now-wealthy, now-middle-aged parents were ecstatic, while my little friends and I couldn’t help but feel a tad bit cheated. "
― Chuck Palahniuk , Damned (Damned, #1)
97
" But just in case you don’t want to spend eternity giving yourself high colonics on some sleazy Web site, ogled by millions of men with serious intimacy problems, the other type of work which most people do in Hell is—telemarketing. Yes, this means sitting at a desk, elbow-to-elbow with fellow doomed telemarketing associates who stretch to the horizon in either direction, all of you yakking on headsets. My job is: The dark forces are constantly calculating when it’s dinnertime anywhere on earth, and a computer autodials those phone numbers so I can interrupt everyone’s meal. My goal isn’t actually to sell you anything; I just ask if you have a few seconds to take part in a market research study identifying consumer trends in chewing gum. In mouthwash. In dryer fabric-softener sheets. I get to wear my headset telephone and work from a flowchart of possible responses. Best of all, I get to talk to real-live people—like yourself—who are still living and breathing and have no idea that I’m dead and phoning them from the Afterlife. Trust me, the vast majority of telemarketing people who ring you up, they’re dead. As are pretty much all Internet porn models. "
― Chuck Palahniuk , Damned (Damned, #1)
98
" And before you make the effort to give up smoking, take note that smoking cigarettes and cigars is excellent practice for being in Hell. AND before you make some snide remark, based on my general temperament, that I must be “riding the cotton pony” or suffering from a “red-letter day,” need I remind you that I am dead, deceased, and rendered eternally prepubescent and therefore immune to the mindless reproductive biological imperatives that, no doubt, shape every living, breathing moment of your crummy living, breathing life. "
― Chuck Palahniuk , Damned (Damned, #1)