Home > Work > Rapture Practice: A True Story About Growing Up Gay in an Evangelical Family
1 " I mean, why would a God create all of us and put us here if we were supposed to go around feeling bad about ourselves and pretending to be somebody we're not? How is hiding who you are telling the truth? "
― Aaron Hartzler , Rapture Practice: A True Story About Growing Up Gay in an Evangelical Family
2 " In a flash, the version of myself so carefully constructed for Mom’s and Dad’s eyes crumbles all around me. I have let them see my truth. Not the son I pretend to be, or the son they thought I was, but the son I really am. "
3 " I’m not saying Jesus won’t come back; I’ve just decided I can’t keep hoping to be rescued from my life. Maybe it’s up to me to change things. It’s time to start saving myself. "
4 " Tri-City students are encouraged to go to college wherever the Lord leads them, but you can tell that most of the teachers and the administration hope that the Lord leads you to Bob Jones. "
5 " After all the tears and frustration and hurt, there’s something inside me that remains unbroken. It’s strong and whole; it’s the place where the best part of me resides, and that’s the part of me who is going to walk into the junior/senior banquet with my head held high in front of everyone two weeks after being expelled: the real me—the me who is learning not to hide anymore "
6 " I’m not sure why it’s so bad to be compared to a girl. Why is that a put-down? I like girls. I like to talk to them and hang around them at recess. We play four square a lot while the other boys are playing kickball and basketball. I don’t understand what’s so bad about having qualities that some girls have. But it is. I know it is. It feels like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. "
7 " That’s the funny thing about belief: No one else can do it for you. Turns out, no matter how much I want to, I can’t make myself believe something I don’t. "
8 " The air between Jason and me feels electric. I am sitting on a log at a campfire in the middle of the woods, next to a college student who is so much cooler than I am. I am crying, and he is pretending not to notice, and I think this may be the nicest thing any guy has ever done for me. "
9 " I’ve learned enough to know the atonement Mom and Dad believe in is absolutely free for the taking, but that gleam of pride in their eyes comes with some strings attached. "
10 " Praying in restaurants is all about other people seeing us do it. It’s our faith on offense. One more way we can prove we’re not ashamed of Jesus; one more way to spread the Gospel; one more way to show we are different from the unsaved world, when all I really want right now is not to stand out. "
11 " As I look around the room, I can’t shake the thought that I have no power over some very basic things. It feels like ankle-deep mud sucking at my sneakers. I’d probably agree I’m not ready to have sex yet, but it sure would be nice to be asked if I was. "
12 " Aaron, I love you so much, and I know how much this means to you. Jesus Christ, the Son of God, came to earth and suffered and bled and died for your sin of lying. He knew while he was hanging on that cross that one day Aaron Hartzler would lie to his dad about buying a CD for his girlfriend, but he loved you so much that he let those Roman soldiers crucify him anyway. "
13 " Will God allow me to be killed in a freak accident if I keep lying to my parents about music and movies? "
14 " Trying to force these words off my tongue is like trying to push a cat into a bathtub. I might be able to do it, but I will be torn and bleeding by the end. "
15 " Dad knew this was the one thing he could do that would hurt me the most. He thinks this pain will somehow bring us closer together, but he’s taken away the thing I feel makes us a team. How can he not see this? This isn’t discipline. It’s betrayal. "
16 " I’m already nervous about whether I’m doing this right or not. No need to bring my eternal soul into the mix. "
17 " I feel like I belong, sitting here next to Papa. This is what men do together—watch wrestling and make things from string. "
18 " It seems like other people love Jesus in lots of different ways and have different rules about what’s right and what’s wrong. "
19 " Sometimes Dad breaks his own rule. Every once in a while his anger over what one of us has done wrong will get the best of him. When this happens, the worst part isn’t his fury; it’s the apology that always comes on its heels. "
20 " I am sorry, too. I hate feeling like it’s my fault when he gets upset over things like finding tapes in the car. This is why I lie to him: to protect him from who I am, and to protect him from who he becomes. "
