4
" From: James Grayson
To: Luke Whitford
Dec 12
I sucked him off again.
From: Luke Whitford
To: James Grayson
Dec 12
What? Details, mate! Were you drunk again?
From: James Grayson
To: Luke Whitford
Dec 12
We weren’t drunk. It was a normal evening. We were just hanging out, played some video games, had a pizza—you know, all the normal things. And then…then I was on my knees again.
Honestly, I don’t know how it happened! He didn’t say a word. We looked at each other and I just dropped to my knees in front of him. And he let me. He let me, Luke! I know we should have talked first, should have said something, but I couldn’t. I was scared to freak him out. I could feel how tense he was. He just stared at me hard, his face totally impossible to read. So I went for it. Fuck, it was the hottest thing I’ve ever done. Now I understand why people say that sex is better with someone you love. I’d never understood those people who raved about sucking dick, but Jesus, I could spend days sucking Ryan’s. And he got really rough, you know. Like, he fucked my mouth, not just passively allowed me to blow him.
From: Luke Whitford
To: James Grayson
Dec 12
Okaaay. Let’s pretend this isn’t awkward at all and I’m not turned on. What happened after that?
You couldn’t have passed out again. You weren’t drunk this time. "
― Alessandra Hazard , Just a Bit Confusing (Straight Guys, #5)
5
" I don’t give a fuck what people say,” Ryan said. “I want a good cuddle after this sucky day.” He smiled at the unintentional rhyme and opened his arms. “Come here, Jamie bear.”
Rolling his eyes but grinning, Jamie walked over and all but flopped on top of Ryan. “You’re still such a big baby,” Jamie said, resting his cheek against Ryan’s shoulder. “If your brothers knew you still use me as your teddy bear when you have a shitty day, they’d never let you live it down.”
“You would never tell them,” Ryan said, wrapping his arms around Jamie tightly and closing his eyes as the tension that had been gathering in his body over the last month somehow ebbed gently away from him. “You’d never tell them, because I’m your favorite person in the world.”
Jamie just sighed, burrowing his face into his neck. He didn’t say anything. But he didn’t deny it, either.
“Don’t do it again,” Ryan said, opening his eyes and putting a hand on Jamie’s nape. “Okay? "
― Alessandra Hazard , Just a Bit Confusing (Straight Guys, #5)
6
" In other circumstances, if Jamie hadn’t been so miserable, Ryan would have laughed. Jamie rarely got so pissed that he lost the thread of the conversation. “Yes, you are.” Cradling Jamie’s face, he brushed his lips against Jamie’s forehead. “Everything will be fine, you’ll see.” He kissed Jamie’s temple.
Jamie shuddered. “Don’t. Not now. I can’t—not now.”
Frowning, Ryan pulled back to look at his friend.
Jamie was staring at him oddly, his lips parted and curled in half a grimace, his eyes gleaming with desperation. “I—” he said before suddenly lunging forward and closing the distance between their mouths.
For a moment, Ryan’s alcohol-fogged brain couldn’t understand what was going on.
Jamie was kissing him.
Jamie was kissing him. Or at least trying to, his lips clumsy and awkward but desperate and needy—so needy it was weirding Ryan out. "
― Alessandra Hazard , Just a Bit Confusing (Straight Guys, #5)
8
" A brittle laugh left his lips. “That’s exactly why I can’t be late. See you later, guys.” He strode toward the door briskly, hoping Ryan would leave it alone.
But of course he didn’t. Ryan caught up with him outside before James could reach his car.
“Jamie!”
Suppressing a sigh, James put on a neutral face and turned to Ryan. “I’m really running late—”
“Listen to me, you git,” Ryan said, his eyes dark and hard. “I’m not sure what’s going on in that head of yours lately, but don’t do anything stupid, okay? Don’t agree to Arthur ’s plans only because you think you have to.” Ryan lifted his hands to cradle James’s face. Jamie went still, his heart hammering as Ryan looked him in the eye intently. “You deserve better. You deserve marrying someone you’re crazy about. Someone who would love you for being you—not for your money or your family name, but because you’re the best person I know.” Ryan smiled at him crookedly. “Being in love is pretty fucking great, actually. You deserve to find your Hannah.”
Jamie wondered if it would actually hurt more if Ryan stuck a knife in his gut and twisted it slowly. He thought he smiled. He hoped he was smiling. His face hurt, so he must be.
He said, “Sure I will. Later, mate.” He was surprised by how absolutely normal his voice sounded.
He smiled again and turned away.
He walked to his car.
He got in.
He closed the door.
He put his hands on the steering wheel.
His throat worked as he tried to swallow the painful lump in his throat. He couldn’t. A terrible, choked sound came from his throat. His chest began to heave. He pressed his hands to his eyes and breathed in, breathed out. "
― Alessandra Hazard , Just a Bit Confusing (Straight Guys, #5)
10
" Hannah wanted to take things slowly and not to rush into a relationship again. She wanted to restore the trust between them.
Ryan understood.
And deep down, he couldn’t deny he felt a little relieved.
* * *
They didn’t have sex. They didn’t kiss. They went on friendly dates.
More often than not, they watched movies. They sat next to each other, their eyes glued to the TV screen, their bodies inches apart. It should have felt familiar, but it didn’t. A month ago, he would have taken her hand. A month ago, she would have put her head on his shoulder. Now there was something awkward in the air, something hard and broken.
One evening, he tried, anyway. He took her hand. Her fingers were slim and dainty.
Four minutes later, he let go and curled his hand by his thigh.
He cleared his throat and said, “You want a drink?”
“No,” Hannah said, her tone very neutral. “And you shouldn’t either.”
His jaw tightened.
He said nothing.
They barely looked at each other for the rest of the evening.
After she finally left, he grabbed a beer out of the fridge, threw himself on the couch and brought the bottle to his lips. "
― Alessandra Hazard , Just a Bit Confusing (Straight Guys, #5)
12
" Your father loves you,” Ryan said. He knew it was true. For all Arthur ’s faults, he did love his only son, in his own way.
“Doesn’t mean he isn’t disappointed,” Jamie mumbled barely audibly, his words muffled by Ryan’s shirt. “I’m nothing like him. I’m not clever and cool-headed. Not very good at business. If I didn’t have the Grayson eyes, I’d think I was switched at birth.” He chuckled. “Though it doesn’t mean much. Tristan has the Grayson eyes and he’s no Grayson.” He chuckled again. “Actually, Tristan would’ve made a far better Grayson than me. He’s clever and smart with his investments—Zach told me that. Dad would’ve approved of him.”
Ryan took Jamie’s chin and tipped his face up. The look of utter misery in Jamie’s aquamarine eyes twisted his insides into a tight, angry knot. “If being a good Grayson means being an arrogant, cunning son of a bitch, I’m glad you are very bad at it. And if that dickhead Lambert wanted your dad’s blessing to love you, fuck him, then. He’s a bloody idiot. You’ve been seeing him for what, two months? A bit too soon for the meeting the parents part. "
― Alessandra Hazard , Just a Bit Confusing (Straight Guys, #5)
16
" If it’s any consolation, your mouth tastes nice,” Ryan said. “Okay, that sounded weird. But as someone who has kissed more than two people in his life—”
“Three,” Jamie cut in.
“As someone who has kissed more than three people in his life, I have to say it’s pretty rare for someone drunk to have a nice-tasting mouth. Must be your superior breeding.”
“I think you’re drunker than me,” Jamie said, snorting.
“Never,” Ryan said. Dropping his smile, he turned his head and nuzzled Jamie’s temple. "
― Alessandra Hazard , Just a Bit Confusing (Straight Guys, #5)
18
" Joking aside, you’re not a terrible kisser. And technique isn’t everything. It’s always flattering as hell when your partner is eager. It’s a turn-on. It was strange to me for obvious reasons, but obviously I don’t count.”
Jamie put his chin on top of his knees, hugging them tightly. He turned his face away so Ryan could no longer see even his profile. “No, you don’t,” he said tonelessly.
Ryan’s eyes narrowed, an uncomfortable feeling nagging at the back of his mind.
“I’m tired,” Jamie said, sighing and putting his head on Ryan’s shoulder. “I’m so tired,” he murmured, his eyelids sliding shut. “Hope I won’t remember this in the morning. I don’t want to.”
Frowning, Ryan stroked his hair with his fingers.
“I wish…I wish things were different,” Jamie whispered.
“Different?”
Jamie didn’t respond.
Ryan started thinking that he had fallen asleep when Jamie mumbled quietly, “Do you ever wonder if there are alternate universes? Lives where things are a little bit different? It makes me feel better to think that maybe in another life…” His voice got strained and he trailed off.
Before long, he was asleep.
Ryan lifted him carefully and carried him to his bedroom. Jamie didn’t wake up even when he tucked him into his bed. Ryan sat next to him, leaning back against the headboard.
His forehead creased, he watched Jamie sleep as the nagging feeling in his gut became stronger and stronger. "
― Alessandra Hazard , Just a Bit Confusing (Straight Guys, #5)
20
" Suppressing his grimace, James gave his new boyfriend a thin smile. Tall, dark, and handsome, Fred was exactly his type, but James couldn’t say he liked Fred all that much. They had been together for two weeks already, but he still felt uneasy every time Fred touched him. He couldn’t help it. No matter what his mind knew, his heart still couldn’t get the memo that he wasn’t Ryan’s, and every touch, every kiss felt like cheating. It had been easier with Paul. With Paul, James had managed to half-convince himself he could love Paul. With Fred, he couldn’t. He’d chosen Paul because he had liked him; he’d chosen Fred because he needed a boyfriend. Because he needed to distract Ryan, needed to dispel any suspicion. "
― Alessandra Hazard , Just a Bit Confusing (Straight Guys, #5)
