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21 " Providing structure and predictability Toddlers are reassured by familiar routines, regardless of their nature. When the environment prior to placement is a healthy one, the use of transition objects that link the former caregiver’s style and schedule to the present provides the sense of structure that is important to the toddler’s developing sense of security in her new home. A consistent schedule is also important to the child who is experiencing separation anxiety. Parents should be absolutely reliable about returning when expected. It is important to help children anticipate their schedules by talking through the day’s routine. Because toddlers cannot tell time, use concrete, regularly scheduled events to help them mark time such as mealtimes or the timing of a favorite television program such as Sesame Street. Parents should make every effort to delay making additional major life changes following a toddler adoption such as moving to a new home, adding another family member, divorce, or marriage until new routines are firm and secure. "
― , Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft
22 " It is important to note that children are rarely as unaware of their environment as they appear to be during withdrawal. In fact, many adopted toddlers have amazing insight and memory of people and events, and are astute observers, even when they appear oblivious of their surroundings. Therefore, it is important not to stop giving comfort, support, and structure. Those efforts are received and processed on some level even if not immediately apparent in the child’s overt behavior. "
23 " It is important for the former caregiver to display honest emotions about the pending separation. If an attachment has formed, it is natural for both the child and caregiver to grieve their separation. This is no time for adults to try to be strong for the child's sake. A child's self-esteem is enhanced by tangible evidence that [they] were cared for and that [their] former caregiver will miss [them] but wishes [them] well. When adults express their feelings appropriately, it gives children permission to do so as well. Carefully planned and executed pre-placement transition strategies should assist former caregivers in adjusting their role and placing their confidence in the ability of the new [guardians] to provide a safe, secure, and nuturing environment for the toddler they have loved and cared for. "
24 " Toddlers who resist attaching to their parents may look to their older siblings or peers for cues to “acceptable” behavior. Stressing the importance and responsibility of being a role model is often an effective way to help an older sibling feel important during the adoption transition. "
25 " One of the most important resiliencies for adoptive parents of toddlers is nurturing their own sense of humor and playfulness. Laughter is medicine for the soul; it serves a restorative function; it helps people keep their perspective; and it even enhances attachment. One of my most prized possessions is a poem my daughter wrote for Mother’s Day when she was 11. In her poem, titled, “Why I Love My Mother,” she describes me as having “laughing eyes filled with love.” I can’t think of a better compliment. "
26 " Perfectionism is burdensome and self-defeating. Accepting imperfection in yourself frees you (and perhaps your child) from the burden of unrealistic expectations. No parent is perfect, and your best is good enough. If you have made a mistake, in almost all cases it can be corrected. "
27 " At the end of my time on earth, I will reflect on my life: my trials and my accomplishments. The most precious memories of my life will play out before my eyes. I will think of my family, and my memory of love will be of them. "
28 " Caregivers who anticipate ongoing contact after placement may be better able to relinquish their role than caregivers who anticipate that "good-bye" will be forever."... "Former caregivers may experience grief and guilt because they are incapable of providing permanent adequate care, or they may feel anger and resentment if they had wanted but were not allowed to continue parenting the child. Even the birth parent(s) who voluntarily terminates guardianship may experience considerable ambivalence by the time of placement. Birth or foster parents who are struggling with their own needs may have difficulty meeting [the childs'] needs during the transition period and at the time of placement. In cases such as these, it is important to have sensitive professionals available to help the former caregivers identify and express their feelings about the separation and support the toddler's transition. "
29 " John Bowlby (1973) reported on a landmark study of the adoption of securely attached toddlers that demonstrated that transitional objects had a major impact on reducing placement trauma. In this study, many of the toddlers’ belongings, including beds, blankets, and toys, accompanied them to their new homes. "
30 " Toddlers need the opportunity to say good-bye to their friends. Some may wish to present their friend with a special farewell gift, or they may want to take something with them as a remembrance of their friend. Photos can be used to remember a friend in a Lifebook, and post-placement visits and letters can assist a child who is grieving the loss of a special peer relationship. "