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1 " The idea of putting raisins in cookies originated with my microscope. 'Chocolate chips? Nope! I'm using dehydrated grapes instead. "
― , I Think My Microscope Is Possessed By The Devil
2 " My microscope got a waitress fired because she referred to a tomato as a vegetable. 'It's a fruit! Learn your taxonomy, bitch! "
3 " Listing your parents as your emergency contact is the saddest reminder that you are single. "
― , The Rudman Conjecture on Quantum Entanglement
4 " If being lazy was an Olympic sport, I would totally win the bronze. "
5 " People who say 'everything happens for a reason' have never puked on their fiancé's grandmother during Easter dinner. "
6 " It's been so long since I last had sex that I sometimes go to my local coffee shop just to hear someone scream my name. "
7 " I don't make mistakes. I date them. "
8 " Dating is basically this weird thing where you go out and pretend to be someone you're not until the other person likes you enough that you can eventually reveal who your really are. "
9 " I long for the day when someone loves me as much as women in commercials love yogurt. "
10 " Try thinking of a color that doesn't exist. "