Home > Author > Rita Rudner
1 " I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious. "
― Rita Rudner
2 " Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "
3 " A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. "
4 " I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes. "
5 " Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "
6 " I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "
7 " I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "
8 " Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "
9 " In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. "
10 " Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. "
11 " When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always. "
12 " When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always "
13 " Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened. "
14 " I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen "
15 " How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go? "
16 " I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go. "
17 " My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives. "
18 " When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "
19 " Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire? "
20 " Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "
