Home > Author > Rita Rudner
" I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious. "
― Rita Rudner
" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "
" A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. "
" I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes. "
" Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "
" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "
" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "
" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "
" In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. "
" Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. "
" When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always. "
" When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always "
" Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened. "
" I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen "
" How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go? "
" I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go. "
" My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives. "
" When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "
" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire? "
" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "