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41 " Suddenly, I needed to lie down very badly. I stubbed out my cigarette into a seashell, closed the window, and got in bed. I rubbed some Pure Fiji coconut lotion onto my stomach, closed my smoky eyes, and waited for the curtain to fall. I hated this part. I tried to focus on my breath, just like I’d learned in rehab: inhale, exhale. "
― Cat Marnell , How to Murder Your Life
42 " I was always relieved when Monday came. Beep. "
43 " Jean planted seeds of self-love and positive thinking in my brain. She shut down my negative self-talk again and again and insisted that I believe in my talent and my future. "
44 " I’m not giving you any more chances.” But I always gave him more chances. I "
45 " We would’ve been kicked out if we got caught—and you know me. I just live for getting kicked out of things. "
46 " What can I say? Big pharma isn’t lying to you (fine, they probably are): performance-enhancing drugs deliver, babes. In the short term, at least. I felt so ambitious! I was bright-eyed and chatty at roundtable discussions "
47 " I created the same cocoon I always did. So "
48 " Then I’d go pee into a cup—or at least try to. Stupid drug tests! I’ve been taking them for nearly a decade now and I still get pee on my hands. I’d really like to invent some sort of contraption for female addicts and take it to Shark Tank. "
49 " You haven’t slept for two days, I kept telling myself. "
50 " The less I slept, the more emotionally and psychologically disorganized I became. "
51 " and slap on self-tan like a vampire who wanted to walk among the living undetected. Which, of course, I basically was doing. But "
52 " Because instead of learning to push through my helplessness and overcome obstacles, I’d learned that I could chemically alter my brain. "
53 " My favorite was “Teflon mind,” where you imagine your brain being like nonstick cookware: negative thoughts just slide right off. Just "
54 " When the heaviness finally came it felt so nice—like the lead X-ray smock they drape over you at the dentist. "
55 " I peed and washed my hands—these are the details you need to know—and "
56 " PEOPLE DON’T JUST CHANGE OVERNIGHT, do they? But Marco did: from a sweet boy into a fearsome predator, a bully, a thief. "
57 " So I was always practically falling out of my desk chair. (Stimulants make the nerves a bit . . . jangly, you know. Especially at three in the morning.) I "
58 " I WAS LIKE . . . LIKE A GROUPIE FOR ALL OF THESE DOWNTOWN GUYS . . . I WAS—I AM—BULIMIC AND OBSESSED WITH MY LOOKS . . . I THOUGHT THAT MY BODY WAS ALL I HAD TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE ME . "
59 " And things weren’t getting better as I grew older. They just kept getting worse. Inhale, exhale. Fuck this. "
60 " So. I was very fortunate to get to go to Silver Hill and be in the Transitional Living program. So many sick addicts can’t afford treatment centers, much less luxury rehabs. I was out-of-this-world privileged. I was on-Pluto privileged. That "