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1 " …there was no more that I could do to make myself look better in that moment than smile and be kind… "
― Andie Mitchell , It Was Me All Along
2 " Can u exercise today? Not tomorrow or the next day! "
3 " I realized that I couldn’t knowingly look to food for a way out when it had so clearly led me here. It wasn’t hunger that beckoned me to eat more. It wasn’t my stomach that needed to be reconciled. It was shame. It was guilt. And food can’t remedy such things "
4 " Can you do it today? The notion of just trying to take each day as it came. The commitment to the present moment, and only the present moment, without worrying about the big and daunting picture of all the days that followed. "
5 " I was trying to lose weight on the surface, but deeper, I was acknowledging that I’d been wrong for sixteen years and had to work to right myself. How do you walk away from all you’ve ever been? "
6 " The wanting to be different in order to be perceived as better, yet wishing I didn’t have to try so hard. "
7 " A part of me was disdainful of the newfound attention I was receiving. You see me now? I’m attractive now? Receiving the congratulations, the praises in some small way felt like accepting that what I’d been before—all of my life—was wrong. Even though I’d often felt that way myself, I resented that the size of my body was correlated to my value, my worth as a person. "
8 " I will always know that the grass, though it seems emerald and glowing in that field on the other side—it isn’t. Flowers grow here. They grow over there. Weeds do, too. But both are wide, and they’re open. And I can lie and cry in one and move and spin in the other, all while knowing this: they’re the same field. And they’re both mine. "
9 " Can you do it today? Can you make it through today without bingeing? Just today, and tomorrow we’ll reconsider? "
10 " I want to quit, I want to quit, I want to quit. And when I’m done quitting, I’d like to quit again. "
11 " But after all highs comes a low. "
12 " i rearrange the jagged stars of your past "
13 " I see the tragedy in living an all-or-nothing existence, in teetering on top of that skyscraper and feeling forced to choose between standing paralyzed in fear or hurling myself over the edge in ecstasy. I recognize the pain of white-knuckling my way through life. I recognize the internal chaos of barreling through life in bouts of mania and depression. The alternative, the middle ground, is balance. It's not wishing to stay or fall; its remaining upright, respecting the boundary of the rooftop and admiring exhilaration, the strength, of standing so high. "
― Andie Mitchell
14 " For the first time, I appeared healthy on the outside. I wanted so badly to conceal the fact that, despite a radical transformation, I remained as screwed up as I had ever been. "
15 " like taking one bite into something I couldn’t quite place. It was layered and complex, an unfamiliar taste I liked enough to crave more of instantly. Perhaps what lured me most was that it was never enough to feel sated. There was always a gentle nuance to him, something new I’d just begun to discover. "
16 " Do you ever make a meal and just know - I mean know, with absolute certainty - that somewhere in the Hamptons, Ina Garten would be like super proud of you? That even if she were completely absorbed in splitting vanilla beans for homemade extract, she would totally side-eye your dish and smile. "
17 " In all of my life, the friends I’d kept had always been eaters just like me. We were second-serving-grabbing, lick-your-plate-clean, can-I-get-an-extra-scoop-of-that eaters. We wore our affection for food as a badge of honor, as though eating wildly indicated fearlessness. As though eating big meant living big. "
18 " Another plate wouldn’t have brought me any greater satisfaction, because contentment doesn’t double by the serving. "
19 " Time and mood were always regulated by Dad. Our whole family was set to the thermostat, boiling or freezing, inside of him. When "
20 " What worried me almost as much as letting myself down if I gained it all back, was letting everyone else down. Being a failure. The pressure, the foreignness of it all caused the welling up of a deep, deep insecurity. "
