Home > Author > Kristen Howerton
1 " The truth is that contentment is an inside job. So is authenticity. Validation doesn't come from magazines, blogs, Facebook feeds, or even your best friends. It doesn't come from looking like you have it all together online. It's easy to spend our time trying to manufacture the visuals of contentment, or longing for the images of happiness that permeate social media. It's harder, but more rewarding, to dig into our own lives to do the work......That's what raging against the minivan has come to mean to me. It's the quiet rebellion against obsessing over the optics and outcomes of motherhood... "
― Kristen Howerton , Rage Against the Minivan: Learning to Parent Without Perfection
2 " In fact, happy family life should be messy. A lifestyle of only perfect moments is not a lifestyle I’m familiar with, nor is it one in which kids can really thrive. "
3 " At some point, every single one of my kids had a showdown with me that involved me looking straight at them, reminding them the answer is no, and them proceeding to push the DVD button while making direct eye contact with me as if to say, I see you, bitch. What are you going to do about it? And really, what was I going to do about it? I mean, the global move away from spanking has been humane and psychologically appropriate, but it has left us kind of impotent in these moments, hasn’t it? "
4 " There are a lot of mantras going around these days about how “other people’s feelings about you are none of your business.” There are mantras about not owning the feelings of others, or about not having to apologize. I get it. As a lifelong codependent I can see where I have spent way too many hours worrying about what others think or if someone is upset with me. I don’t think we need to concern ourselves with the opinions or feelings of every person we know. We don’t need to morph ourselves into being liked by everyone. However, I do want my kids to be concerned with how they are making the people in their inner circle feel. I don’t want them to have an entitled self-esteem that is unable to consider feedback. If their younger sibling feels they are a bully, I want them to be concerned with that. If their reputation among their close friends is for being a backstabbing mean girl, I want them to be concerned with that. We should all be mindful of how the trusted people in our inner circle experience us, because sometimes we need that mirror to see ourselves clearly. "
5 " There is nothing threatening about acknowledging privilege. Being more empathetic to the experiences of others is not a sacrifice of personal politics or lifestyle. Feelings of guilt about white privilege should occur only if, because you don’t experience racism, you decide you don’t have to listen or care when other people do, or because you refuse to give up privileges that you keep at the expense of others. "
6 " When you decide to have kids, you must kill the illusion that you have any control over outcomes. It is a dangerous fantasy that will break your heart. When your life is intrinsically tied to other human beings, you have two choices: (a) spend a lifetime worrying about every possible outcome for people who ultimately grow up to make their own decisions, or (b) surrender to the reality that life is full of beauty and hurt and we can't really control the incidence of either. I've spent a lot of time trying to move from a to b. "
7 " If I had to sum up motherhood in one philosophical statement it would be this: They come out of the womb as narcissists, and you have eighteen years to try to change that. If, by the time they move out of your house, they are able to consider others with some level of empathy, attend to the feelings of others, and see the world outside themselves and the people who inhabit it as valid and important, you've done your job. "
8 " Another unnerving aspect of the homestudy is the checklist you have to fill out to indicate what kind of child you are willing to accept. Will you take a child with a physical deformity? A medical condition? Cognitive delays? What race are you open to? Will you take siblings? What ages are you willing to accept? Filling out this checklist felt like a measure of my humanity. I felt like, if I was truly unselfish, I would check yes on every single box. What kind of person says no to a child with a disability? No to a cleft palate? What are you, a monster? These are questions most parents will never be asked. When you give birth to a child with a disability you deal with the hand you are dealt. When you get a checklist, you have to make some brutal decisions that make you feel like an asshole. "
9 " It doesn't help that I struggle with insecurity. After social situations with people outside my inner circle, I tend to replay every interaction over and over to try to figure out how I was perceived. It is not uncommon for me to lie awake for hours after a party, rehashing every conversation I had, and berating myself for where I went wrong in each situation. "
