Home > Author > John Scheck
1 " If I had a time machine, I would either go back and start playing the piano as a child, or I’d go back five years ago and talk myself out of trying to learn it again as an adult. "
― John Scheck
2 " Even when things are going great for me, the best part of my day comes with the first four or five sips of my morning coffee. Either my life is pathetic, or coffee is really good. "
3 " A winner never quits and a quitter can get a partial refund on that gym membership you never use. "
― John Scheck , Nothing Personal
4 " Whenever I cut myself, I always grab a stack of stationery and write my signature on as many sheets as I can before it coagulates, because I think that in this era of text messages and emails, people still appreciate a desperate, hand-written letter signed in blood. "
5 " I’ll take a good chef knife over a firearm any day. Try cutting a chicken with a 9mm. "
6 " People say a lot of good things about moderation. I’ve never met the fellow, but I’ve waved a few times as I gallop wildly towards excess. "
7 " Making the impossible not happen is a lot easier than you may think. "
8 " The mail between Europe and the USA is so slow and unreliable that I have started to preface my letters with ‘By the time you read this, I may already be dead’ instead of ‘Dear So-and-So. "
9 " As an atheist, when you ask me to pray for something it’s like asking me to blow on the dice so you can roll a lucky seven. "
10 " Is there a name for the disease for when your body can’t tell the difference between boredom and hunger, or do I need to invent one? "
11 " The only thing worse than waking up to an obnoxious alarm is waking up to your neighbor’s obnoxious alarm…twice! "
12 " As you get older you tend to take a more morbid view of your body’s aches and pains. When you’re young, you could lose a leg in a sawmill accident and you’d say to yourself, ‘Who cares? I’m 21, it’ll grow back.’ Once you pass 40, you’re ready to be euthanized over of a mild hangover. "
13 " Animal rights people get upset over things like whaling and baby seal clubbing, but what seems particularly cruel is humans stealing honey from bees. Bees work their tails off all day, then we swipe it and say, Sorry guys, we like to put this stuff in our tea. "
14 " Persistence is way over-rated. Go ahead, give up. Just quit. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, and least of all not to yourself. And whatever the hell it is that you’re trying to do, can you at least put on a shirt? "
15 " Either lead, follow, or sit down and have a glass of wine with one of these dates wrapped in bacon. They're delicious! "
16 " Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies close to an open window on the tenth floor. "
17 " I once called the sun—the star that makes all life on earth possible—a sissy because I was cold and I didn’t think it was working hard enough. "
18 " Why is it that if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, it always crashes down on the damn tape recorder? "
19 " Reading fiction, delving into the lives others teaches us empathy. I think that it’s impossible to read a lot of good literature and be completely lacking in this essential virtue. "
