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Esther Perel QUOTES

Esther Perel QUOTES

1 " For [erotically intelligent couples], love is a vessel that contains both security and adventure, and commitment offers one of the great luxuries of life: time. Marriage is not the end of romance, it is the beginning. They know that they have years in which to deepen their connection, to experiment, to regress, and even to fail. They see their relationship as something alive and ongoing, not a fait accompli. It’s a story that they are writing together, one with many chapters, and neither partner knows how it will end. There’s always a place they haven’t gone yet, always something about the other still to be discovered. "

― Esther Perel , Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

2 " Love is a vessel that contains both security and adventure, and commitment offers one of the great luxuries of life: time. Marriage is not the end of romance, it is the beginning. "

― Esther Perel , Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

3 " It's hard to experience desire when you're weighted down by concern. "

― Esther Perel , Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

4 " In my work, I see couples who no longer wait for an invitation into their partner's interiority, but instead demand admittance, as if they are entitled to unrestricted access into the private thoughts of their loved ones "

― Esther Perel , Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

5 " At the same time, eroticism in the home requires active engagement and willful intent. It is an ongoing resistance to the message that marriage is serious, more work than play; and that passion is for teenagers and the immature. We must unpack our ambivalence about pleasure, and challenge our pervasive discomfort with sexuality, particularly in the context of family. Complaining of sexual boredom is easy and conventional. Nurturing eroticism in the home is an act of open defience. "

― Esther Perel , Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

6 " When we are children, play comes to us naturally, but our capacity for play collapses as we age. Sex often remains the last arena of play we can permit ourselves, a bridge to our childhood. Long after the mind has been filled with injunctions to be serious, the body remains a free zone, unencumbered by reason and judgment. In lovemaking, we can recapture the utterly uninhibited movement of the child, who has not yet developed self-consciousness before the judging gaze of others. "

― Esther Perel , Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

7 " The body often contains emotional truths that words can too easily gloss over. "

― Esther Perel

8 " But when we reduce sex to a function, we also invoke the idea of dysfunction. We are no longer talking about the art of sex; rather, we are talking about the mechanics of sex. Science has replaced religion as the authority; and science is a more formidable arbiter. Medicine knows how to scare even those who scoff at religion. Compared with a diagnosis, what's a mere sin? We used to moralize; today we normalize, and performance anxiety is the secular version of our old religious guilt. "

― Esther Perel , Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

9 " The ability to go anywhere in our imagination is a pure expression of individual freedom. It is a creative force that can help us transcend reality. "

― Esther Perel

10 " We're walking contradictions, seeking safety and predictability on one hand and thriving on diversity on the other. "

― Esther Perel , Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

11 " Modern relationships are cauldrons of contradictory longings: safety and excitement, grounding and transcendence, the comfort of love and the heat of passion We want it all, and we want it with one person. Reconciling the domestic and the erotic is a delicate balancing act that we achieve intermittently at best. It requires knowing your partner while remaining open to the unknown, cultivating intimacy that respects privacy. Separateness and togetherness alternate, or proceed in counterpoint. Desire resists confinement, and commitment mustn't swallow freedom whole. "

― Esther Perel

12 " Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all? "

― Esther Perel , Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

13 " Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. "

― Esther Perel , Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

14 " Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air. "

― Esther Perel , Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

15 " Our partner's sexuality does not belong to us. It isn't just for and about us, and we should not assume that it rightfully falls within our jurisdiction. "

― Esther Perel , Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

16 " The grand illusion of committed love is that we think our partners are ours. In truth, their separateness is unassailable, and their mystery is forever ungraspable. As soon as we can begin to acknowledge this, sustained desire becomes a real possibility. It’s remarkable to me how a sudden threat to the status quo (an affair, an infatuation, a prolonged absence, or even a really good fight) can suddenly ignite desire. There’s nothing like the fear of loss to make those old shoes look new again. "

― Esther Perel , Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

17 " It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned her sense of autonomy. "

― Esther Perel , Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

18 " Everyone should cultivate a secret garden. "

― Esther Perel , Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

19 " Beginnings are always ripe with possibilities, for they hold the promise of completion. Through love we imagine a new way of being. You see me as I’ve never seen myself. You airbrush my imperfections, and I like what you see. With you, and through you, I will become that which I long to be. I will become whole. Being chosen by the one you chose is one of the glories of falling in love. It generates a feeling of intense personal importance. I matter. You confirm my significance. "

― Esther Perel , Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

20 " We are afraid that our adult sexuality will somehow damage our kids, that it’s inappropriate or dangerous. But whom are we protecting? Children who see their primary caregivers at ease expressing their affection (discreetly, within appropriate boundaries) are more likely to embrace sexuality with the healthy combination of respect, responsibility, and curiosity it deserves. By censoring our sexuality, curbing our desires, or renouncing them altogether, we hand our inhibitions intact to the next generation. "

― Esther Perel , Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic