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Michael Ian Black QUOTES

Michael Ian Black QUOTES

1 " I do not go to church. I don’t go to Christian church or Jew church or any other church. I don’t go to church at all. Not ever. A perfect Sunday for me is spent drinking green tea while reading the Sunday New York Times. Yikes! Why don’t I just turn in my Al-Qaeda membership form and call it a day? As if that wasn’t bad enough, not only do I not go to church:

I don’t believe in God. How can I say the Pledge of Allegiance if I don’t believe in God? How can I spend our American currency which pledges “In God We Trust?” How can I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God? Answer: I can’t. It’s a real problem. Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to believe in God. I wish I did, especially if He was the kind of God that thought America was #1. But I don’t, which to many people is the same as not believing in America. Up until recently, I thought those people were lunatics. "

― Michael Ian Black

2 " I am extremely gullible when I lie to myself. "

― Michael Ian Black , You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

3 " The truth is I feel bad about calling you a whore. I don't know anything about your personal life; my judgment was based on nothing more than a general whorish vibe you give off.

You look like you'd screw any squirrel that came your way. You look like you'd even screw the knothole in that tree where you live. But this is all speculation on my part, based on nothing more than your aforementioned whorish vibe and sleazy demeanor. Maybe I'm wrong about you. If so, I apologize.

But I really don't think I am. "

― Michael Ian Black , My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

4 " I hope you die....

P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse. "

― Michael Ian Black , My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

5 " If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked. "

― Michael Ian Black , My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

6 " How dare you compare Hitler to this president or any president? How dare you equate what he did with what Obama is doing? Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Do you know anything about history? Do you have any idea what Hitler did? He killed six million of my people, which is six million more than Obama has killed. You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking moron. You're the fucking problem with this country. "

― Michael Ian Black

7 " Choose hope over fear. "

― Michael Ian Black , You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

8 " Marriage felt like a fading American institution, as relevant to me as the Elks Club. Plus, I considered myself punk rock, and punk rockers don't believe in boring societal conventions like marriage. We prefer boring societal conventions like punk rock. "

― Michael Ian Black , You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

9 " I am not a music snob. If anything, my musical taste is bad by any critical standards. My favorite song of all time is "Come On Eileen" by Dexys Midnight Runners. A close second is "MMMBop" by Hanson. So I am not out there claiming any musical superiority, but Creed really does suck. Bad music, pretentious lyrics, and a messianic front man. Also they are from Florida. No good rock music has ever come from Florida. Undoubtedly, there will be legions of offended readers who think to themselves, What are you talking about! Such-and-such band is from Flordia and they're freaking awesome! No, whatever band you are thinking of, if they are from Flordia, they suck. Not as much as Creed, but they still suck. "

― Michael Ian Black , You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

10 " If I have any faith at all, I guess that's it. Faith in the small love that keeps our family together. "

― Michael Ian Black , You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

11 " Her lips remind me of kite strings and I find myself thinking about panda bears. Panda bears do not fly kites, I tell myself.

'I thought you were dead,' she says.

Maybe if you taped a kite to a panda paw and scared the panda so that it started running, the kite might start to lift off. "

― Michael Ian Black , You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

12 " Cluelessness is not an attractive quality in a man. "

― Michael Ian Black , You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

13 " When I am at work, that is my time to work. The workspace is not the appropriate arena for us to discuss your problems. When I am there I need to be left undisturbed to check what people are saying about me on Twitter. "

― Michael Ian Black , You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

14 " ...Even to me, a sufferer, 'depression' seems like a fetid load of weaselly claptrap, a cheap and easy excuse for not participating in life. "

― Michael Ian Black , You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

15 " Perhaps we will end up one of those sad childless couples who spend all their time sleeping late, buying luxury goods, traveling the world, and enjoying each other’s company. That would be terrible. "

― Michael Ian Black , You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

16 " Once I commit to something, I commit—at least until I quit, which can happen at any time. "

― Michael Ian Black , Navel Gazing: True Tales of Bodies, Mostly Mine (But Also My Mom's, Which I Know Sounds Weird)

17 " Why does Lewis Black have so much hatred for goodness? I do not know. Because I am not a trained psychologist, I think it would be unethical for me to attempt to analyze him. But based upon his feelings regarding candy corn, I think it is safe to assume that he hates freedom, hates himself, and wants to fuck his mother. "

― Michael Ian Black , My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

18 " Write more thank-you cards, but draw fewer swastikas on them. "

― Michael Ian Black , My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

19 " You know how Burger King often employs mentally handicapped people to wipe down tables at their restaurants? What those people are to Burger King, paralegals are to lawyers. It's the lowest job you can possibly get and still technically be considered in the legal profession "

― Michael Ian Black , You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

20 " If you are on the honor roll and your parents don't put a sticker on their car saying so, they are not proud of you and do not love you. "

― Michael Ian Black