Home > Author > Andy Zaltzman
1 " Nice mix of Tory MPs saying this issue shouldn't be used for petty political pointscoring, & Tory MPs trying to score petty political points. "
― Andy Zaltzman
2 " New Labour leader Ed Miliband announces plan to 'make this party slightly less unelectable by 2015'. He added: 'I am Ed, the Almighty One.'Defeated brother David Miliband overheard muttering: 'Now I know how Wayne Christ felt after little Jesus came along. "
3 " To all the revolutionaries fighting to throw off the yoke of tyranny around the world: look at British democracy. Is that what you want? "
4 " Genghis Miliband roars up to the despatch box like a caged donkey. "
5 " A jacketless Murdoch resumes his quiz, brushing off the assault as 'an overexcited autograph-hunter wanting to have his shaving foam signed. "
6 " Some nose-diving share prices do not bounce at all, but merely hurtle straight into commercial oblivion causing widespread mess on the trading room floor; these are known as ‘dead cat splats’. Other stocks are obviously doomed, but decline slowly in value before settling at their final point of worthlessness. These are known as ‘unwanted Christmas kittens’, after the trajectory of a bag containing four baby tabbies and a brick when dropped into a canal in late January. "
― Andy Zaltzman , Does anything eat bankers?
7 " If all the bank loans were paid, no one could have a bank deposit, and there would not be a dollar of coin or currency in circulation. This is a staggering thought. We are completely dependent on the commercial Banks. Someone has to borrow every dollar we have in circulation, cash or credit. If the Banks create ample synthetic money we are prosperous; if not, we starve. We are absolutely without a permanent money system. When one gets a complete grasp of the picture, the tragic absurdity of our hopeless position is almost incredible, but there it is. It is the most important subject intelligent persons can investigate and reflect upon. It is so important that our present civilization may collapse unless it becomes widely understood and the defects remedied very soon.” Robert H Hemphill, credit manager of Federal Reserve Bank of Atlanta, 1934 "
8 " In the finance sector, the annual bonus is calculated from a complex series of interconnecting variables, ranging from snappiness of suit, garishness of tie, and pointitude of shoe, to number of small businesses destroyed, quantity of third-world children indirectly starved, and number of puffs of cigar smoke blown in waitresses’ eyes during business lunches in titty bars with dubious Russian billionaires. For high-ranking executives, bonuses should be big enough to amaze and appal the watching world, but small enough not to bankrupt the entire company.22 For maximum satisfaction, any bonus over £250,000 should be presented as a suitcase full of used £10 notes, handed over by a large Eastern European or Colombian man in sunglasses, while a colleague in an overcoat brandishes a gun smiles and nods cockishly. Though such rewards are beyond the reach, comprehension and calculators of most ordinary people, there is no reason to miss out on the Age Of The Ludicrous Pay-Off: you simply need to declare yourself self-employed, and then award yourself an extravagantly gargantuan Christmas bonus. "
