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41 " The AftermathWhen the fierce pure pleasurehas clawed through, ripped openmy tent of separateness,I lay in my lover's arms, weepingand exposed. I can't help seeingmy sister, new widowwhose heart hangsheavy, a side of beefin the ice box of her chest.I imagine her enteringa bedroom like this, maplesflaming beyond the windowagainst a perfectly useless blue sky.And then my mother-in-lawstops at the library on the way homefrom her husband’s funeral,picks up the book they've been holding.It sits in the passenger seatwhile she stares at the windshield, stunned,a bird flown into glass.Even my friend whose wife hasn’t died yetappears in this sex-drenched air. Tearspool in the shallows under his eyes.If his soul were a tin can, it would be sliced,the thick soup leaking out.The night is soaked with suffering.My dumb body, sprung open, can’t tellthe difference between this blaze of pleasureand the sorrow it drags in.As I gaze out into the gathering darknessit seems I almost comprehendthe mystery, glimpse the water of lifepouring through my form into theirs,theirs back to mine, misery and ecstasyswirled like the blue white planetseen from space,but it lasts less than a moment--the arms of my own dear onehaul me back into my body, her fleshso ostentatiously alive. "
― Ellen Bass
42 " A dread that something bad was waiting for me has followed me most of my life. I have a morbid fear of the dark. I will never close my eyes in the shower. There are parts of my own house I am just beginning to go into. "
― Ellen Bass , The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
43 " Healing from child sexual abuse takes commitment and dedication. But if you are willing to work hard, if you are determined to make lasting changes in your life, if you are able to find good resources and skilled support, you can not only heal but also thrive. "
44 " What really amazes me is that survivors can be out in the world completely functional using maybe 20 percent of their capacity. Can you imagine what we'll be able to do when we let the other 80 percent out? If we were able to recover, stop the abuse, and heal everyone, the world we live in would be so phenomenal.If you think of all the ways in which you have been stunted, all the energy you have consumed simply to keep hanging on by your fingernails, all that you might have created or accomplished or simply enjoyed had you not had to stagger under the burden of abuse, you may have a formidable list.If you multiply that times the number of other women similarly struggling—not only now but also back through the decades and centuries—the result is awesome. Now, imagine all the women healed—and all that energy no longer used for mere survival but made available for creativity, nurturing relationships, working for peace and equality. The effect on the world would be monumental. We have never in recorded history lived in a time when women were, as a whole, empowered. We can only begin to imagine the riches. "
45 " Notice your breathing. . . . There is nothing you need to do to change it, just simply watch and be aware. . . . Notice the sensation of your breath as it comes in through your nose, the way it travels down through the trachea and fills the lungs. . . . How the rib cage expands as you breathe in, how the back widens. . . . Notice your breath as you breathe out—how your body softens and empties, letting go. . . . Breathing in new oxygen that nourishes and fills you, breathing out what is no longer nourishing or needed. . . . Notice how the breath returns all on its own. . . . Take a minute to watch several complete rounds of breath. . . . Breathing in, breathing out, and the return. . . . "
46 " Use excessive work or "
47 " Give me peaches like burning clouds.I’ll pare those globes until dawn. The syrupwill linger on my fingers like your scent.Let me escape my own insistence. "
48 " Basket of Figs” Bring me your pain, love. Spreadit out like fine rugs, silk sashes,warm eggs, cinnamonand cloves in burlap sacks. Show methe detail, the intricate embroideryon the collar, tiny shell buttons,the hem stitched the way you were taught,pricking just a thread, almost invisible.Unclasp it like jewels, the goldstill hot from your body. Emptyyour basket of figs. Spill your wine.That hard nugget of pain, I would suck it,cradling it on my tongue like the slickseed of pomegranate. I would lift ittenderly, as a great animal mightcarry a small one in the privatecave of the mouth.Ellen Bass, Mules of Love (BOA Editions Ltd.; 1st edition (April 1, 2002) "
― Ellen Bass , Mules of Love
49 " How to ApologizeEllen BassCook a large fish—choose one with many bones, a skeletonyou will need skill to expose, maybe the flyingsilver carp that's invaded the Great Lakes, tumblingthe others into oblivion. If you don't livenear a lake, you'll have to travel.Walking is best and shows you mean it,but you could take a train and let yourselfbe soothed by the rockingon the rails. It's permittedto receive solace for whatever you didor didn't do, pitiful, beautifulhuman. When my mother was in the hospital,my daughter and I had to clear out the homeshe wouldn't return to. Then she recoveredand asked, incredulous,How could you have thrown out all my shoes?So you'll need a boat. You could rent or buy,but, for the sake of repairing the world,build your own. Thin stripsof Western red cedar are perfect,but don't cut a tree. There'll bea demolished barn or downed trunkif you venture further.And someone will have a mill.And someone will loan you tools.The perfume of sawdust and the curlsthat fall from your planewill sweeten the hours. Each nightwe dream thirty-six billion dreams. In one nightwe could dream back everything lost.So grill the pale flesh.Unharness yourself from your weary stories.Then carry the oily, succulent fish to the one you hurt.There is much to fear as a creaturecaught in time, but thisis safe. You need no defense. Thisis just another way to knowyou are alive.“How to Apologize” originally appeared in The New Yorker (March 15, 2021). "
50 " Often survivors ask Laura how far along they are in the healing process, and her response to them is always the same. She asks them, "What are you doing to take care of yourself?" This is a better indicator of healing than how much therapy you've had, how many tears you've cried, or how many people you've told your incest story to.Ask yourself: Am I gentle with myself when I make a mistake? Can I relax and take breaks from the intensity of healing? Am I able to do things I enjoy? Am I getting enough sleep and eating healthy food? Am I part of a community of people who love and support one another? Can I recognize the things that are going well in my life? Are there things I'm doing that I feel proud of? When you can answer yes to most of these questions or are making progress in that direction, you're well on your way to healing. However, if you are at the very beginning of the healing process, you may not be able to say yes to a single question. "
51 " RosesFour roses drinking from a blue vase.The first one I name Moment of Gladness,the second, Wresting Beauty from Fear.All year I watched her disappearing, the sweet fatof her hips, her laughter, her will,as though a whelk had drilled through her shell,sucked out the flesh. Death woke me each morningwith its bird impersonation. But now she has cutthese Clouds of Glory and a honeyed musk sublimesfrom their petals, veined fine as an infant’s eyelids,and spiraling like any embryo—fish, snake, or human.And she has carried them to me, saturatedin the colors they have not swallowed,the blush and gold, the razzle-dazzle red. Rivenfrom the dirt to cling here briefly.And now, as though to signify our fortune,a tiny insect journeys across the kingdomof one ivory petal and into the heartof the blossom. O, Small Mercies slicedfrom the root. I listenas they sip the blue water. "
52 " Our bodies are our essential connection to life. "