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Ilya Ilf QUOTES

Ilya Ilf QUOTES

41 " The gold-seekers began to work out what the main characters were like. They sketched out dramatis personae such as:

UGOLIN: A grand master of the Fascist Order (bass)
ALFONSINA: His daughter (coloratura soprano)
COMRADE MITIN: A Soviet inventor (baritone)
SFORZA: A fascist prince (tenor)
GAVRILA: A Soviet Young Communist (mezzo-soprano dressed as a man)
NINA: A Young Communist and daughter of a priest (lyric soprano) "

― Ilya Ilf , The Twelve Chairs

42 " Investigating Koreiko's case might take a long time," said Ostap. "God only knows how long. And since there is no God, nobody knows. We are in a terrible bind. "

― Ilya Ilf , Golden Calf

43 " Can you say the following phrase in French: "Gentlemen, I haven't eaten in six days"?'

Ippolit Matveevich began haltingly, 'Messieurs... messieurs, je ne, I think, je ne mange pas... six, what is that again... un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six... six... jour. Right: je ne mange pas six jours!'

'That's quite a pronunciation you've got there, Kisa! Still, what do you expect from a beggar. Of course a beggar in European Russia speaks French worse than Millerand. "

― Ilya Ilf , The Twelve Chairs

44 " Prusis told me that the fluke's raging in Moscow, and there's nothing to bury people in. All the material's been used up. So I decided to come out and set things straight.'

Ostap, who had been listening curiously to the entire conversation, stepped in. 'Listen, pops. It's Paris where the flu is raging.'

'In Paris?'

'Well, yes. So go to Paris. You'll rake it in there! It's true that you'll have a few difficulties with the visa, but don't get down about it, pops. If Briand takes a shine to you, your life won't be half-bad: you'll be set up as personal coffin-maker to the municipality of Paris. "

― Ilya Ilf , The Twelve Chairs

45 " Maybe we could make it to Stalingrad on twenty rubles. But how would we eat? Vitamins, my dear comrade marshal, don't get handed out for free. "

― Ilya Ilf , The Twelve Chairs

46 " Остап молча взял европейского гостя за руку, подвел его к висевшему на стене ящику для жалоб и сказал, как глухому: – Сюда. Понимаете? В ящик. Шрайбен, шриб, гешрибен. Писать. Понимаете? Я пишу, ты пишешь, он пишет, она, оно пишет. Понимаете? Мы, вы, они, оне кладут жалобы... И никто их не вынимает. Вынимать. Я не вынимаю, ты не вынимаешь... "

― Ilya Ilf , Golden Calf

47 " существует много старых испытанных приемов: 1) простое знакомство, 2) любовная интрига, 3) знакомство со взломом, 4) обмен, 5) деньги и 6) деньги.293 Последнее – самое верное. "

― Ilya Ilf , The Twelve Chairs

48 " It wouldn't have been surprising if the girl suddenly stamped her foot and began: "Comrades! Allow me to summarize the achievements which . . . ," and so forth, because we have exemplary children who can make two-hour speeches with forlorn diligence. But the Young Pioneer from Roaring Springs took the bull by the horns with her little hands and belted out, in a funny, high-pitched voice: "Long live the Five-Year Plan! "

― Ilya Ilf , Golden Calf

49 " Fifteen of his clubs, dedicated to politics, music, and the performing arts, had all been developing strategic plans for the past two years. And the local branches of various societies--whose goals were to advance aviation, knowledge of chemistry, automotive transportation, equestrian sports, highway construction, as well as the prompt eradication of ethnic chauvinism--existed only in the sick imagination of the local union committee. As for the school of continuing education, of which Sardinevich was especially proud, it was constantly reorganizing itself, which, as anybody knows, means it wasn't undertaking any useful activity whatsoever. If Sardinevich were an honest man, he would probably have admitted that all these activities were essentially a mirage. But the local union committee used this mirage to concoct its reports, so at the next level up nobody doubted the existence of all those musico-political clubs. At that level, the school of continuing education was imagined as a large stone building filled with desks, where perky teachers draw graphs that show the rise of unemployment in the United States on their chalkboards, while mustachioed students develop political consciousness right in front of your eyes. "

― Ilya Ilf , Golden Calf

50 " Most importantly, we have our assets: an émigré who has returned to his native town. And we have our liabilities: he is afraid the GPU will take him away. "

― Ilya Ilf , The Twelve Chairs

51 " В детстве таких, как вы, я убивал на месте из рогатки. "

― Ilya Ilf

52 " Нас никто не любит, если не считать уголовного розыска, который тоже нас не любит. "

― Ilya Ilf

53 " — Вы довольно пошлый человек, — возражал Бендер, — вы любите деньги больше, чем надо.
— А вы не любите денег? — взвыл Ипполит Матвеевич голосом флейты.
— Я не люблю.
— Зачем же вам шестьдесят тысяч?
— Из принципа! "

― Ilya Ilf , The Twelve Chairs

54 " But the editor in chief was already balding and worked a lot. He was at the mercy of his family and apartment. He enjoyed lying down on the couch for a spell after dinner and reading Pravda before bed. "

― Ilya Ilf , The Twelve Chairs

55 " Солнце встало над холмистой пустыней в 5 часов 02 минуты 46 секунд. Остап поднялся на минуту позже. "

― Ilya Ilf , Golden Calf

56 " I am Emir Dynamite!" he shouted, swaying on top of the tall camelback. "If within two days we don't get any decent food, I'll incite the tribes to revolt! I swear! I will appoint myself the Prophet's representative and declare holy war, jihad. On Denmark, for example. Why did the Danes torment their Prince Hamlet? Considering the current political situation, a casus beli like this would satisfy even the League of Nations. No, seriously, I'll buy a million worth of rifles from the British--they love to sell firearms to the tribes--and onward to Denmark. Germany will let us through--in lieu of war reparations. Imagine the tribes invading Copenhagen! I'll lead the charge on a white camel. "

― Ilya Ilf , Golden Calf

57 " To a Soviet person, used to the nationality policy of the USSR, all the mistakes of the American government's Indian policy are evident from the first glance. The mistakes are, of course, intentional. The fact of the matter is that in Indian schools, class is conducted exclusively in English. There is no written form of any Indian language at all. It's true that every Indian tribe has its own language, but this doesn't change anything. If there were any desire to do so, the many American specialists who have fallen in love with Indian culture could create Indian written languages in a short time. But imperialism remains imperialism. "

― Ilya Ilf , Ilf and Petrov's American Road Trip: The 1935 Travelogue of Two Soviet Writers

58 " The story of Gavrila was told in seventy-two lines. At the end of the poem, the mailman Gavrila, wounded by a fascist's bullet, still manages to deliver the letter to its addressee.

"Where does the story take place?" he asked Lapis. It was a logical question. There are no fascists in the USSR, and there are no Gavrilas (members of the communications workers' union) abroad.

"What's the big deal?" Lapis said. "It takes place here, of course, and the fascist is in disguise. "

― Ilya Ilf , The Twelve Chairs

59 " Just think what will happen when the tournament is over and all the visitors have gone. The residents of Moscow, crowded by the housing crisis, will flee to your magnificent city. The capital will be transferred automatically to Vasyuki. The government will move here. Vasyuki will be renamed New Moscow, and Moscow will be Old Vasyuki. Leningraders and Kharkovians will grind their teeth, but they won't be able to do a thing about it. New Moscow will become the elegant cultural center of Europe, and soon, of the whole world. "

― Ilya Ilf , The Twelve Chairs

60 " Американцы по своей природе – жующий народ. Они жуют резинку, конфетки, кончики сигар, их челюсти постоянно движутся, стучат, хлопают. "

― Ilya Ilf , Ilf and Petrov's American Road Trip: The 1935 Travelogue of Two Soviet Writers