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1 " My boys. I don't have them to hold. What do I do with my arms? "
― Sonali Deraniyagala
2 " I was terrified that tomorrow the truth would start. "
3 " There must be some atom of our life hidden here, lingering in this quiet somewhere. "
4 " I am in the unthinkable situation that people cannot bear to contemplate. "
― Sonali Deraniyagala , Wave
5 " Their promise, my children's possibilities, still linger in our home. "
6 " I would plead into the darkness, where are they, bring them back "
7 " I will kill myself soon. But until then how do l tame my pain? "
8 " I was dizzy in that room. I felt faint with disbelief. I held on to the seat of my chair to stay upright. I knew what was going on, but I couldn’t absorb any of it. "
9 " Broken and bewildered, my brother had the house cleared and packed away, painted and polished, all in the first month or two after the wave. For him, that was the practical thing to do, to impose order on the unfathomable, perhaps. "
10 " The more I remember, the greater my agony. "
11 " Somehow on this boat I can rest with disbelief about what happened, and with the impossible truth of my loss, which I have to compress often and misshape, just so I can bear it -so I can cook or teach our floss my teeth. "
12 " They had become muffled and distant then anyway. This happened in those first days after the wave. I couldn't find their faces, they quivered as in a heat haze. Even in my stupor I knew that details of them were dropping away from me crumbs. Still, whenever they emerged, I panicked. "
13 " the reality of being here eludes me, I can’t focus, I am dazed. And I want to stay this way. If I have too much clarity, I will be undone, I fear. "
14 " I must stop remembering... The more I remember, the greater my agony. These thoughts stuttered in my mind...I must be more watchful, I told myself. I must shut them out. I couldn't always keep this up. "
15 " The more I remember, the more inconsolable I will be, I've told myself. But now increasingly I don't tussle with my memories. I want to remember. I want to know. Perhaps I can better tolerate being inconsolable now. Perhaps I suspect that remembering won't make me any more inconsolable. Or less. "
16 " Is this truth too potent for me to hold? If I keep it close, will I tumble? At times, I don't know. "
17 " I will kill myself soon. But until then, how do I tame my pain? "
18 " I must stop remembering. I must keep them in a faraway place. The more I remember, the greater my agony. These thoughts stuttered in my mind. So I stopped talking about them, I wouldn't mouth my boys' names, I shoved away stories of them. Let them, let our life, become as unreal as that wave. "
19 " I am immersed in another reality. "
20 " On days like this, birthdays, the anniversary of the wave, I want to be alone. Alone, I am close to them, I slip back into our life, or they slip into mine, undisturbed. "
