Ethan Kross QUOTES

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

2 " We often think of fight or flight as the main defensive reaction human beings turn to when faced with a threat. When under stress, we flee or hunker down for the impending battle. While this reaction does characterize a pervasive human tendency, researchers have documented another stress-response system that many people engage in when under threat: a “tend and befriend” response. They seek out other people for support and care. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

3 " The same brain circuitry that becomes active when we are attracted to someone or consume desirable substances (everything from cocaine to chocolate) also activates when we share information about ourselves with others. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

4 " When supporting others, we need to offer the comfort of Kirk and the intellect of Spock. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

5 " The reason rituals are so effective at helping us manage our inner voices is that they’re a chatter-reducing cocktail that influences us through several avenues. For one, they direct our attention away from what’s bothering us; the demands they place on working memory to carry out the tasks of the ritual leave little room for anxiety and negative manifestations of the inner voice. This might explain why pregame rituals abound in sports, providing a distraction at the most anxiety-filled moment.
Many rituals also provide us with a sense of order, because we perform behaviors we can control. For example, we can’t control what will happen to our children throughout their lives, and we can protect them only to a limited degree, which is a source of chatter for many parents. But when they are born, we can baptize them or perform any other of a variety of birth rituals that provide us with an illusion of control. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

6 " If we scan the situation and conclude that we don’t have the wherewithal needed to handle things, that leads us to appraise the stress as a threat. If, on the other hand, we appraise the situation and determine that we have what it takes to respond adequately, then we think of it as a challenge. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

7 " When we’re upset and feel vulnerable or hurt or overwhelmed, we want to vent our emotions and feel consoled, validated, and understood. This provides an immediate sense of security and connection and feeds the basic need we have to belong. As a result, the first thing we usually seek out in others when our inner voice gets swamped in negativity is a fulfillment of our emotional needs. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

8 " The mind is flexible, if we know how to bend it. If you have a fever, you can take something to bring it down. Likewise, our mind has a psychological immune system: We can use our thoughts to change our thoughts—by adding distance. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

9 " The desire to have control over oneself is a strong human drive. Believing that we have the ability to control our fate influences whether we try to achieve goals, how much effort we exert to do so, and how long we persist when we encounter challenges. Given all this, it is not surprising that increasing people’s sense of control has been linked to benefits that span the gamut from improved physical health and emotional well-being, to heightened performance at school and work, to more satisfying interpersonal relationships. Conversely, feeling out of control often causes our chatter to spike and propels us to try to regain it. Which is where turning to our physical environments becomes relevant. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

10 " Studies show that when people are going through a difficult experience, asking them to imagine how they’ll feel about it ten years from now, rather than tomorrow, can be another remarkably effective way of putting their experience in perspective. Doing so leads people to understand that their experiences are temporary, which provides them with hope. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

11 " Use distanced self-talk. One way to create distance when you’re experiencing chatter involves language. When you’re trying to work through a difficult experience, use your name and the second-person “you” to refer to yourself. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

12 " the voices of culture influence our parents’ inner voices, which in turn influence our own, and so on through the many cultures and generations that combine to tune our minds. We are like Russian nesting dolls of mental conversations. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

13 " Emerging evidence suggests that dreams are often functional and highly attuned to our practical needs. You can think of them as a slightly zany flight simulator. They aid us in preparing for the future by simulating events that are still to come, pointing our attention to potentially real scenarios and even threats to be wary of. Although we still have much to learn about how dreams affect us, at the end of the day—or night, rather—they are simply stories in the mind. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

14 " people we love, as well as how often we can tolerate this venting while not feeling listened to ourselves. Relationships thrive on reciprocity. That’s one of the reasons why therapists charge us for their time and friends don’t. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

15 " Engage in mental time travel. Another way to gain distance and broaden your perspective is to think about how you’ll feel a month, a year, or even longer from now. Remind yourself that you’ll look back on whatever is upsetting you in the future and it’ll seem much less upsetting. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

16 " We think about that screwup at work or misunderstanding with a loved one and end up flooded by how bad we feel. Then we think about it again. And again. We introspect hoping to tap into our inner coach but find our inner critic instead. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

17 " However it manifests itself, when the inner voice runs amok and chatter takes the mental microphone, our mind not only torments but paralyzes us. It can also lead us to do things that sabotage us. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

18 " But stress stops being adaptive when it becomes chronic—when the fight-or-flight alarm fails to stop signaling. And sure enough, a main culprit in keeping stress active is our negative verbal stream. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

19 " Although we generally associate wisdom with advanced age, because the longer you live the more uncertainty you will have experienced and learned from, research indicates that you can teach people how to think wisely regardless of their age—through gaining distance. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

20 " Moreover, it turns out that having imaginary friends may spur internal speech in children. In fact, emerging research suggests that imaginary play promotes self-control, among many other desirable qualities such as creative thinking, confidence, and good communication. "

― Ethan Kross , Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It