Home > Author > Melissa DeCarlo
1 " Sometimes my entire life has felt like one long exercise in lowering my expectations. "
― Melissa DeCarlo , The Art of Crash Landing
2 " I don't know what she's thinking, but I'm thinking how fluid the border is between crazy and interesting, and how hard it is to decide who belongs where. "
3 " I don’t know what she thinks a Matilda looks like, but I’ve always thought that I look a little like Gene Wilder, except with longer hair and a vagina. "
4 " Nick can do a pretty good nice, but it's not the real deal. His is a thin, watery nice, a niceness-au-jus drizzled over a great big asshole sandwich. "
5 " JJ informed me, when he dropped them off, that they are French bulldogs, which has led med to reassess my opinion of the French. They may know a lot about making wine and fries, but they don't know jacques-merde about making dogs. "
6 " There is no such thing as magic," she told me. "You can b e l i e v e all you want, but it's never going to do you any good. Nobody flies. We only fall "
7 " As far as I'm concerned, there are two types of people in this world: people like Queeg who, when life gives them lemons make lemonade, and everyone else. And although those smug lemonade-makers think the rest of us just sit around all day day bitching about not getting oranges, they're wrong. It's all about volume. When you're ass-deep in lemons, you start looking for a shovel, not a pitcher and a cup of sugar "
8 " I used to have my own friends, of course I did, but it’s like the dentist told me when I was a kid—ignore them and they’ll go away. He was talking about teeth, not friends, but it’s the same theory, and I can tell you it works. The friends part, anyway; I still have my teeth. "
9 " We’re all more than the worst thing we’ve done. "
― Melissa DeCarlo
10 " I thought coming here would change things for me, but I’m starting to worry that I’ve done what I always do: mistake a distraction for a chance at redemption. "
11 " I’m thinking about how fluid the border is between crazy and interesting, and how hard it is to decide who belongs where. Hell, most of the time I can’t answer that question about myself. "
12 " In my experience, the past is rarely as harmless, or as far away, as we’d like it to be. "
13 " God, there's nothing like embarrassing a ginger to improve my mood "
14 " It’s funny how when it’s somebody else telling the story it’s easy to see that He can’t take a joke is just another way of saying I’m a jackass. "
15 " What wrong?” he asks. "
16 " The fluorescent light overhead hums and has a flicker that I sense more than see. There’s a constellation of dead bugs in the fixture’s plastic covering. The Bug Dipper. I squint my eyes and try to decide which one is the North Moth, the moth by which I could find my way home. "
17 " I pull out a zippered CD case, but unfortunately, it's slim pickens inside, and I say this not only because the choices are bad, which they are, but because there actually is a Slim Pickens CD inside. "
18 " It is a beautiful day here in the armpit of America. "
19 " Sometimes it’s not possible to tease out the beginning of the end, to find the origin of a break, to know whose finger knocked over the very first domino. "
20 " A human wife or girlfriend isn’t nearly as interesting an adversary as Jesus. "
