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Aisha Tyler QUOTES

Aisha Tyler QUOTES

1 " I visualize myself winning the Olympic Pentathlon, inventing a phone that can be controlled by brain waves, or doing the laundry. I do not actually DO these things, but I see myself doing them, and that is almost MORE satisfying, because I am also lying down. "

― Aisha Tyler , Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic Humiliation

2 " I believe fully that if you want to do something, you just go do it. You can sit around, think about it, waiting until things are perfect, wringing your hands, dithering and hesitating and slowly twisting your panties into a perfect little fisherman’s knot. Or you can get up off your lazy fucking ass and do something. What’s the worst that can happen? "

― Aisha Tyler , Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic Humiliation

3 " But if you really want something, you don’t punch it in the face. You stick with it until you stop wanting to hit it and start wanting to hug it, and then kiss it, and finally make sweet, sweet love to it that will leave you both in a shivering puddle of tears.

Until then, it’s absolutely fine to fake it ‘till you make it. Jump in with both feet. “Act as if.” Just remember you’ve got to actually put in the hours, and do the real, hard work of “becoming as if. "

― Aisha Tyler , Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic Humiliation

4 " Wounds turn into scars and scars make you tough. "

― Aisha Tyler

5 " Get up, go out into the world, and do awesome shit. "

― Aisha Tyler , Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic Humiliation

6 " I have always been a softie, and I fight it with every fiber of my being.
Sadly, my being's fibers need to hit the gym. "

― Aisha Tyler , Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic Humiliation

7 " I'm my own boss and my boss is a total ass. "

― Aisha Tyler

8 " If you haven't noticed yet, working sucks. Unless you are a racecar driver or an astronaut or Beyonce, working is completely and utterly devoid of awesome. It is hard, it lasts all day, the lighting is generally fluorescent, and, apparently, drinking at your desk is frowned upon. If you ever needed to ruin someone's fun, I mean really poop a party, just move things to the workplace. Fun terminated. "

― Aisha Tyler , Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic Humiliation

9 " A bra was not for little kids who dreamed of being astronauts. What are you gonna do with boobs in space? Unless they are currency for some far-flung civilization, all they’re going to do is interfere with proper oxygen flow inside your space suit. "

― Aisha Tyler , Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic Humiliation

10 " Real success and accomplishment, at whatever it is you are passionate about, requires real work. Real sacrifice. Real disappointment. Real failure. And it requires the ability to scrape your sorry ass up off the floor, stumble to your feet, wipe the rivulets of watery drool from your face, and do it again, like an obstinate toddler running against the wall with his head in a bucket. "

― Aisha Tyler , Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic Humiliation

11 " Young people are swaddled in delusion. You think you are more awesome than you are, the world more interested in you than it is, your countenance more dazzling, your ideas more captivating, and that LeBron James was just a natural talent recruited from a neighborhood pickup game. You don’t want to practice, you don’t see the value in sacrifice, and you are convinced there is some vast comedy conspiracy to keep you from buying your first Bentley and dating a model by the time you are twenty-five. Wow. You are a douche. "

― Aisha Tyler , Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic Humiliation

12 " Because a rebel is just a guy who doesn’t have the good sense to go the same way the crowd is going, and the composure to act like that was his idea all along. "

― Aisha Tyler , Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic Humiliation

13 " doesn’t teach. Winning rewards. You can only really learn from failure. And in the end, after you have taken a prolonged physical and psychological beating that would destroy a lesser man or woman, you will understand that success is not the absence of failure, but rather the presence of not quitting when you do fail. To win, you need to fail, and fail hard. "

― Aisha Tyler , Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic Humiliation

14 " Guys as a gender have one giant collective delusion of grandeur. "

― Aisha Tyler , Swerve: Reckless Observations of a Postmodern Girl

15 " But you never know what you can create if you put your heart into it unreservedly, and never let anyone else make you feel as if you don’t belong. Because a rebel is just a guy who doesn’t have the good sense to go the same way the crowd is going, and the composure to act like that was his idea all along. "

― Aisha Tyler , Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic Humiliation

16 " An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.”—BUDDHA “Mean girls suck.”—AISHA TYLER "

― Aisha Tyler , Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic Humiliation

17 " How can you not tweet? How else will people know what you ate for breakfast or what you are listening to on Spotify or what your gamerscore is? Ridiculous. Not tweeting is not an option. I am a dolt for even suggesting it. "

― Aisha Tyler , Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic Humiliation

18 " Just give me a second to get my wind back. Who the hell put that pole there? "

― Aisha Tyler

19 " When one is undone—sprawled across the cold tile of a public bathroom in a pool of one’s own vomit, or shivering in the back of a taxi in a pair of urine-soaked skinny jeans with no money for cab fare and a dead cell phone battery—much like a wobbly toddler or an unhinged politician, one immediately looks for someone else to blame. God. Your parents. Ex-girlfriends. Undocumented immigrants. Marvin in Human Resources. China. "

― Aisha Tyler , Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic Humiliation

20 " The Internet is where stupid goes to find stupider so it doesn’t have to feel so stupid. "

― Aisha Tyler , Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic Humiliation