Home > Author > Val Emmich
41 " The me I am is not the me I was. Just like the me I am is not the me I will be. Those versions of myself I can't change or predict. I'm not even sure I have much influence over the present me. But it's all I've got. I probably shouldn't fight it. "
― Val Emmich , Dear Evan Hansen
42 " I had to die for them to notice I was ever alive. "
43 " But really, what was the point of going to school? They never knew what to do with me. If you don't fit into once of their boxes, you get tossed aside. I could learn way more at home. Reading my own books and watching Vice. "
44 " I mean, he wasn't really there, but in my mind, it was like he was, and all of a sudden that same day wasn't such a nightmare. It was something else. "
45 " Wich begs the question: Why am i here? To wich there is only one answer: I don't know. The choices always seem to be fight or flight, but i typically end up somewhere in between, doing exactly neither. I stay and take the beating. "
46 " Seventeen years later and she’s still trying to tweak me just a little bit more to her liking. "
47 " (There was no deer in the road that night. I can come clean about that now. I crashed into that tree because I felt like it. My messiest decisions were always like that. Made in a split second. Nine times out of ten I’d walk away only wounded. Then, on the tenth time…) "
48 " About our lives. Where we were. Where we were going. What would happen after school. We didn't know exactly. We just knew we'd figure it out. We'd have each other's backs. Whatever it was.... "
49 " Thinking about it now, i have to say, nothing terrible comes to mind. No blowup fights or traumatic episodes. that's usually what happens when i dig too deep into memories. The worst stuff pops up first. "
50 " Before all this, i was alone, but i still had a few squeezes left in my tube of hope. Connor Murphy wasn't a part of my daily life. He, like me, existed in the background. Our paths didn't cross, and if they did, neither of us noticed. "
51 " I just have this feeling sometimes that even the best therapist in the world couldn't fix me. "
52 " I just want to be alone, the way I've always been. I don't want to be bothered or noticed or questioned. But that's just wishful thinking. "
53 " (He introduced me to a ton of books and authors. I never returned his copy of The Mysteries of Pittsburgh.) "
54 " I know that look. When your insides are about to pour right out of you and it’s too late to stop it. You’re naked, everyone watching. They see you there, defenseless, and they pounce. No mercy. "
55 " I also know that when you’re not in the best headspace, the trivial can turn into the insurmountable and all of a sudden you’re heading down a dark path and you can’t find your way back. "
56 " I thought it was uncomfortable, when I was younger, watching my own parents argue. Turns out, watching other people’s parents do it is exponentially more awkward "
57 " I suppose this is what i get for building my walls so high. My family never actually knew about my life. Occasionally i'd reference a friend( going out with a friend; got it from a friend). But i don't think they believed me. Especially when i never forked over a name. "
58 " I hold my breath, try to freeze time, thinking if I can just keep the air inside my lungs forever, maybe I'll never have to face what comes next. But I breathe, because I'm weak and I must, and when I open my eyes, and everyone is looking at me, and I know it's only begun: the end of everything. But there's no way out now. "
59 " Talk to me," she says.It's not a command. It's a welcome mat. All I have to do is step to her. "
60 " I am alone, the way I deserve to be. The way I'm meant to be. A fucking nothing. Unworthy to the core. How could I fool myself into thinking I could be deserving of anything close to happiness? "