Home > Author > Mennah al Refaey
1 " Sideways, ladders, mazes, a mess, like we need a map, anything but straight roads ahead. Chaos inside my head, one that gets lit on fire every time I try to go to bed. Plans that spiral, dreams drew like art, decisions like ice-cold water pouring out on my injured heart. Thoughts vanishing into thin air like smoke after your very first fight. Fears that speed up your heart and make it feel like it's going to stop. They call them "the monsters under your bed", they are monsters that can make me crumble inside my head. "Have no fear my sweet innocent lady" another lie, she said. Can we just call it something else, can you tell me something else. Say it's the fear that you drives out of this. Say it's my thoughts that make me different like this. Tell me that the monsters teach me how to win battles for the people I love like I always do. And the maze, it gives me something to do while I'm stuck here with you. "
― Mennah al Refaey
2 " And sometimes, just sometimes,out of every hundred; you are shinningon the inside. Sometimessometimes, on the same day,universe decides to reflect you on theoutside, it decides to shine too ,Soyou put a smile on your face, take awalk and watch it sharing yourhappiness, sharing your light ,breathit all in, take your boost and let theworld lift you up till you actuallybelieve that it has your back ,take thegift and take your credit, even if it'snot your wings, cause this universeonly reflects back, it gifts back, it'sfair but it isn't an initiator. Andmaybe, just maybe if you believe in it,it will believe in you too, maybe thenwhen it's raining on you, when it's toodark, when rock bottom gives you aconcussion, you will look up withfaith, and out of all the thingsshowering on your head, you will findyour favorite one, you will be giftedwith stars,ones that can reflect on your inside,ones that can light you up back "
3 " And my biggest fear would be forevermissing a piece. You see our story wasnever complete, and it's supposed to befinished but you haven't yet heard allof me.So listen because my biggest fear would be missing out on how ittruly feels . I will forever miss atouch though i never tried it on myface; i might miss how cold it is and imight miss how warm it left me, i mightmiss how it perfectly traces every lineand i might miss how it gets losteverytime. I will forever miss a handthat held my heart, one that onlylearnt how to wave goodbye, one thatonly learnt how to part, i will neverknow how your fingers interlaced withmine, though i have been always surethat they fit perfectly inside. And Iknow i will definitely miss waking upto your eyes, i will miss knowing theysee right through me, i will misshaving that subtle silent starereassure my heart. And a very longplaylist will go to waste, no slowdancing not on the kitchen floor andnever once in the rain.Just know Ialready miss having your back, but youare the one who turned yours and idon't know if i should ever forgivethat. "
4 " I will run every mile, i will saveevery line, i will say i reached thetop and i will fall back down standing.I will write down every thing, the goodand the bad,I will wake up one day andgo back to the start. I will noticethat the good ones were nothing but mybeautiful lines, were everything paintedby my mind. I will notice that the badones were nothing but pieces of mypain that should have been crumbled and thrown away the first time i started torain. I will leave home and i won'tmind, i will miss some beating piecesbut i will survive.the sky will stayin place, mountains won't shake and mymind will go nowhere.the stars will take my side not yours, and the new airin your chest will feel forever cold. Iwill donate a piece of my heart to hurtyou forever and a lifelong lastingquestion about what you have lost.Myhands won't ever fit in yours and myfaith says that crown on your head willhurt you the most.One day i won't overlook anythinganymore. One day i won't rememberanything anymore.I will stoppretending i'm ice cold and i willlearn how to be strong.one day I willgrow out of this, i will grow out ofus. "
5 " Teach me how to trust you enough so ican count every wound and every scar.Kiss each one of them and tell me i'mstill your star.Show me that no matter how dull this life makes me, no matterhow much darkness surround me,I am still bright enough to light yourheart. I know i can heal on my own butwhat if i no longer want to. I know ican keep everything to myself, butmaybe i never learnt to.that's just it, maybe i wasn't builtthis way. I just need a second opinion,i need a second mind, i need a secondheart, i just need a second hand thatcan help me let go of everything.i'm bored of building walls and i justneed to break some. But here lies theissue, when i break, i break down, it'snot a “some” ,it’s everything.and sofar wasn't so good I break them downonly to find that they were built overa cleft and then i'm left barelyhanging by a thread. So listen, i justlike calling them battle wounds, i likethe idea of sworn secrecy to my scars,call them by their names and i justmight let you through the doorsTeach me how to love by taking my wallsas your new home, you are welcomeinside and the cleft makes a hell of aview, it just needs two to look at, andmaybe one day i will say it just neededYou. "
6 " You remind me of stars, i need patience to find you in this city sky, i need to pass through darkness to get to your light, there is a whole lot of distance between us, but once i get past it; brains, physics, and common sense assure me that i will get burnt. "
7 " With a mind out in space, my heart and the moon have a play date, every once and a while it asks me for permission to visit, it's our kind of vacation. We dim down the lights, put on headphones, and anticipate the stars. Away from the earth; life, it pauses, and time, it freezes, no obligations just utter fascination. They sit together and act like they know the stars, call them by random names and pretend they saw them before. With a mind out in space, hearts are made of steel, nothing can touch us and we can touch nothing. We don't see that kind of beauty with our eyes, we breathe it down through lungs and feel it fill up our souls as if it was meant to be our only fuel. I owe it to a small window and loneliness that taught me how to see far beyond my vision and taught me how to have my own life away from this one. It's strength and warmth. "
8 " So many feelings misplaced, so manypieces lost. You have been misled into a broken maze with your own well.Excuses like the walls were everythingyou needed, and stupidity because youknew it was a dead end. Write aboutroads interwining and being off trackyou are sugarcoating a road accident bya drunk man. Spend time, energy, andsanity like it was worth it, get lostand bleed emotions like it's the priceyou pay to get out You disappointedyour own self and it's hard to forget,your brain unattended and your hearttook the hit, got knocked out and wokeup on the wrong side of the bed, on theWrong side of my head. Now you are leftwith a scar and a mind full of wordssaid, a voice i can't forget and asmile that hurts me still. "
― Mennah al Refaey ,
9 " And so, you find yourself back to where you always go, back to the surface, a straight back, sky above, clear as a sleeping ocean, shaded with your favorite blue, calm enough to lay still, the perfect weight, an extra hand would drown you. A heart so full of water and mind only concerned with dreams, only concerned with you. You find yourself home, finding shelter in everything you love, finding a destination in everything you want, clearing up space for what you really should want, washing away false accusations and false desires as if they were nothing, making them nothing. Now you are back to looking in what makes you, you. Finding your heart in everything that can't hurt him, and finally apologizing for leaving him alone outside of the water for 3 months without you. You find yourself home, that hug you needed is meaningless, it wouldn't have felt good, and it's a good thing we haven't really tried it. But let me tell you, once you get the courage to write, be thankful you have an inspiration. "
10 " But at nights we are stars. You are a star and I'm on the roof, you are a star and I'm eyes, you are a star and I'm lungs, lungs breathing in your air, the air that gets lighter upon spotting the sparkle, the air that gets lighter upon seeing you shine, the air that I write about every night, the one that sets my soul on fire and leaves it freezing cold. I could be a moon, well I could as well be The Sun if I wanted to, but I'd rather be here, I'd rather stay humane, it gives me a chance to feel your air wrapping its arms around me, I'd rather stay human because my eyes can only love dimmed lights, they can only stay underneath your lights, I'd rather save my own light for nights when this city is burning up and you have no choice but to stay invisible, I'd rather save enough light to find you then even when no one else can. "
11 " Every time something changes, it takes a piece of my heart forever, keep it up this way and soon I will have a shattered heart, one million pieces scattered over one million different timings, over one million different places, over one million different feelings, I will have one million broken pieces; each beating somewhere far, each leaving me with a slower rhythm, each leaving me heavier than I ever was. "
12 " Pull out a match and light up a million notes and a million words, consume the energy on papers like its fuel, and all the long lost feelings are your coal. Set the whole thing on fire and never look back, an expert on regrets and mistakes, tell the story as easy as a philosophical theory; devils disguised as angels, angels turning into devils, and the perfectionist in between always stuck in the middle. Tired and hurt, but angry till I burn, watching a sinner blaming life and life taking his side still, anyway I took my advice and kept the things I loved from day one aside, so I'm not alone and love is also taking my side. Save the date, it's 365 days in training, and we finally reached the end of our magical tragic failure and if you are smart then it's not a surprise; you know that my sky is not raining. Take out a match and burn this house down, it took me two seconds to figure out that I deserve solid better-looking ground. So let me feel the heat in my brain blow out and my heart beating in its place safe and sound inside. "
13 " With a mind out in space, my heart and the moon have a play date, every once and a while it asks me for permission to visit, it's our kind of vacation. We dim down the lights, put on headphones, and anticipate the stars. Away from earth; life, it pauses, and time, it freezes, no obligations just utter fascination. They sit together and act like they know the stars, call them by random names and pretend they saw them before. With a mind out in space, hearts are made of steel, nothing can touch us and we can touch nothing. We don't see that kind of beauty with our eyes, we breathe it down through lungs and feel it fill up our souls as if it was meant to be our only fuel. I owe it to a small window and loneliness that taught me how to see far beyond my vision, and taught me how to have my own life away from this one. It's strength, and warmth. "
14 " The smallest of things, own the biggest parts. The simplest of things that can change your whole life. A nice thing unplanned that warms your heart, a simple smile that can always light you up. The purest of wishes that went so fast over your head, but somehow came true and became the biggest part of your life. A face you are used to belonging forever in your heart with memories on a loop endlessly in your mind. Days so good you forget how tired you are. 11:11 am wishes better than you have ever imagined it. Your favorite cup of coffee in the morning with the perfect shade of sunlight on your face. Offer a pure heart and earn back this world's flowers. Offer a big smile and earn back a laughing sky. Count the days and make them count. Mark your calender everytime your heart jumps. "
15 " And hands that might pour ice on your fire, if those lines slowly formed a circle and then aligned right when they interlaced, but they don't fit, and it's not a circle, and experiments are a must... But you know life and rules, and streets and weather, time and a bunch of other things that end up as "distance"... So you edit the lines in your mind to fit the ones on your hand,And then the lines fold into a circle that can unfold into allegiance right when you feel like you need it to... But that's just it, Take away the smiles, the eyes, the streets, time, rules, and life, take away the distance and you end up with a hand that can't fit into yours, maybe even ones that don't want to allign.. No one to blame but the huge lines of yours in such tiny hands. How did we manage to have such huge lines in such small hands I don't know. "
16 " Like making your cup of coffee in the morning half asleep half awake and yet perfect... Like walking around in your room in complete darkness with tons of junk everywhere yet your step is perfect... Like reading your favorite book for the one-millionth time, reciting the words before you flip the page but the feeling gets better every time and gets so perfect.. Like driving down the same road over and over again but every time the flowers on the side are so perfect..like hearing the same laugh but when it's because of you, it gets even more perfect...Like sharing the same pair of eyes with half this world's population but yet his are the only ones that are perfect "
17 " And if today was like any other day, make extraordinary out of ordinary. Drink your cup of coffee slowly, maybe even try a new flavor. Look up at the sky as often and breathe in the air as deep as you can. Wear your favorite outfit, you know the one that makes you feel extra pretty and secure. Sit at your favorite place, in your usual spot and enjoy the sunlight breaking on your face. Walkthrough the same roads but look at them differently. Hug your favorite person extra tightly today. Maybe even buy your favorite flower on your way home. Make it a day to remember, make it less ordinary, make it more of a date you save than just another day. So many days pass, so many will pass, wait for special days to create themselves and you will close your eyes and open them one day to an empty calendar, nothing to miss when you leave this city, nothing to long for when you are old and grey, you need something for your heart to hold on to, you need something that makes you feel anything. "
18 " And if tonight we decide to put aside our differences. Take my hand slow, pull me closer to someone that has never been this far. Take my hand slowly, and give a chance for two hearts that had nothing to do with our mistakes to beat as one again. Take my hand slowly, and let it trace a strong shoulder I had always leaned on, cause right now I need to lean in. Take my hand slowly, so I could safely close my eyes and listen to my favorite song while knowing, trusting and believing you wouldn't let me fall. If tonight we decide to do this, take my hand slowly, interlace yours in mine and give our souls a chance to have a glimpse at this. Leave a bit of a distance, just a small distance, so our eyes could get a glimpse too. If tonight we decide to put aside our differences, if we decide to let go of our mistakes, I will let you choose the song "
19 " I count the steps from your door to mine, memorize the sound of your footsteps on the ground, synchronize them with my heart; the closer you get, the less they become, the faster it beats. In strength, feel the ground beneath us, it's just the same, but in speed, it's always much faster than i can take. If i weren't so sketchy i would turn this into water, i would leave this silent, float and let you lead. But we are on the ground, the sound is strong, and my brain can't help but pay attention. So i'll just run because i have to but i will count them because i can. "
20 " Have you found your land in someone's eyes yet? Have you found a place to grow? Have you found heaven? I have heard you are supposed to build it up from scratch, that heaven you have been looking for. Look around you and see people calling strangers their home,their heaven, but what does a stranger know about my home, what does he know about my kind of heaven. What does a stranger know about how to build you a home, what does he know about how your walls are supposed to stand, what kind of flowers are in your garden, where do your hiding places exist, cause they come and find your walls already tall and yet call themselves your home, yet we call them home.I look into eyes and look for land, land to grow, land to build a house on, and then i find myself building it on my own so i move out and go back. Don't blame yourself, you have been living in a castle, you have built yourself a castle, and you simply like it, we accept visitors, but you don't feel like you can move out, i don't want to move out into someone else's heart, into someone else's home. I have been visiting lands, waiting for strangers to build me a better home, but all i get is homesickness. "
