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S.J. Perelman QUOTES

S.J. Perelman QUOTES

1 " I guess I'm just an old mad scientist at bottom. Give me an underground laboratory, half a dozen atom-smashers, and a beautiful girl in a diaphanous veil waiting to be turned into a chimpanzee, and I care not who writes the nation's laws. "

― S.J. Perelman

2 " You'll have to leave my meals on a tray outside the door because I'll be
working pretty late on the secret of making myself invisible, which may take me almost until eleven o'clock. "

― S.J. Perelman

3 " The main obligation is to amuse yourself. "

― S.J. Perelman

4 " A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing a fool and his wife who didn’t know enough to stay in the city. "

― S.J. Perelman

5 " Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin .. it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring "

― S.J. Perelman

6 " If, at the close of business each evening, I myself can understand what I've written, I feel the day hasn't been totally wasted. "

― S.J. Perelman

7 " The fact is that all of us have only one personality, and we wring it out like a dishtowel. You are what you are. "

― S.J. Perelman

8 " One stifling summer afternoon last August, in the attic of a tiny stone house in Pennsylvania, I made a most interesting discovery: the shortest, cheapest method of inducing a nervous breakdown ever perfected. In this technique..., the subject is placed in a sharply sloping attic heated to 340 F and given a mothproof closet known as the Jiffy-Cloz to assemble. "

― S.J. Perelman , The Most Of S.J.Perelman

9 " I had a hell of a time getting here, brother,” I revealed when we had finished trading insincerities. "

― S.J. Perelman , The World of S.J. Perelman

10 " Look, Grover Cleveland,” one of them finally snapped at me after my third approach. “Harmoniums and water wings, diavolos and pungs we got, but Victorian easy chairs—nyet. And now, excuse me, will you? I have another nudnick here wants a round table like King Arthur’s. "

― S.J. Perelman , The World of S.J. Perelman

11 " The manager of the enterprise, a foxy-nose with a serried gray marcel that mounted like a linotype keyboard, was the soul of courtesy. "

― S.J. Perelman , The World of S.J. Perelman

12 " MAVIS (coming up close to him): Robin, don’t you notice anything different about me? ROBIN (sniffing): Hm-m-m. Why, yes, you’ve got a funny smell. MAVIS: Don’t you find me heady, sultry, confusing? ROBIN: No. (critically) But you’ve put on a lot of weight lately. MAVIS: Have I? ROBIN: You certainly have. You’re as big as a house. And your slip is showing. MAVIS: I’m not wearing a slip. ROBIN: Well, it would show if you were. MAVIS: Anything else? ROBIN: Maybe I shouldn’t call attention to it. MAVIS: No, no, darling. By all means call attention to it. ROBIN: You’re getting wrinkles under the eyes. And a scraggly neck, like a turkey. MAVIS: Not much gets past you, does it? ROBIN (comfortably): I guess I’m just about as wide awake as anybody in the hardware business. "

― S.J. Perelman , The World of S.J. Perelman

13 " An inexpressible radiance suffused me. The chair was so much more beautiful than my cinematic memory that speech was inadequate. It was a haven, a refuge; I saw myself lolling in it, churchwarden poised, evolving new cosmogonies, quoting abstruse references to Occam’s razor and Paley’s watch. “Oh, God,” I choked, extracting a fistful of bills. “I—You’ve made me so happy! How much? "

― S.J. Perelman , The World of S.J. Perelman

14 " immortality is a chancy matter, subject to the caprice of the unborn. Not "

― S.J. Perelman , The World of S.J. Perelman

15 " MENDOZA (hoarsely): I tell you the blood is boiling in my veins! You are a candy store filled with luscious nougats, a henhouse from which the pullets have yet to be stolen! MAVIS: Promise me one thing. Whatever happens— whatever they should tell you about me—we’ll always have this moment together. MENDOZA: Parbleu! Do you think I am a milk-sap, that you can put me off with your bobbery? What stands between us—this man’s foot sticking out from behind the davenport? MAVIS: Of course not. It’s—well—it’s that you’re not the man I thought you were. Who are you, anyway? MENDOZA: (simply): The exterminator. "

― S.J. Perelman , The World of S.J. Perelman

16 " It was grudgingly conceded by the traffic wizards that in abolishing so-called normal hazards like sharp curves, intersections, traffic signals, and pedestrian and railroad crossings they had substituted the peril of deadly monotony. The "

― S.J. Perelman , The World of S.J. Perelman

17 " Sure I like Grossinger’s,” it was saying, “but let me warn you—if you go up there, be sure and wear sunglasses. You can get snow blindness from the sour cream.” It "

― S.J. Perelman , The World of S.J. Perelman

18 " By this same post, I am delegating a close friend of mine, Irving Wiesel, to visit your place of business and ferret out the truth. You can lay your cards on the table with Wiesel or not, as you see fit. When he finishes with you, you will have neither cards nor table. "

― S.J. Perelman , The World of S.J. Perelman

19 " Lox vobiscum, and give my regards to Broadway.” His "

― S.J. Perelman , The World of S.J. Perelman

20 " Back for the summer, eh?” he inquired. “Say, you certainly look awful. What are those big circles under your eyes?” “Glasses,” I said evenly. “What the hell do you think they are? "

― S.J. Perelman , The World of S.J. Perelman