Home > Author > George Carlin
181 " If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it? "
― George Carlin
182 " Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. "
183 " If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? "
184 " We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass. "
185 " Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "
186 " People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? "
187 " I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? "
188 " One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. "
189 " I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. "
190 " The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. "
191 " Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. "
192 " Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn't a skill... it's a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn't say I'm proud to be 5'11"; I'm proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer. "
193 " There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it. "
194 " I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. "
195 " I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. "
196 " Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers? "
197 " I figured out years ago that the human species is totally fucked and has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But the trick, folks, is not to give a fuck. Like me. I really don'tcare. I stopped worrying about all this temporal bullshit a long time ago. It's meaningless. "
198 " Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "
199 " You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos "
200 " Would a fly without wings be called a walk? "