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21 " About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert. "
― Demetri Martin
22 " 100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math. "
― Demetri Martin , This is a Book
23 " Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. "
24 " A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is. "
25 " I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' And I said, 'I am. "
26 " If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters. "
27 " Words have power, you dumb piece of shit. "
28 " Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice? "
29 " I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long. "
30 " Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them. "
31 " I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. "
32 " The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is:God is a sneak "
33 " There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway? "
34 " I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: " I heard from this guy who told somebody ... "
35 " Every cloud has a silver lining. Right. Okay. And, tell me again how a silver lining helps me? "
36 " When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. "
37 " I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal. "
38 " THE ZERO SUM GAME: I have found that people whose hair is teased do not like brainteasers. By the same token, people who like brainteasers do not have teased hair. It’s clear that the human cranium cannot sustain both. "
39 " Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time. "
40 " Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. "