Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir QUOTES

2 " I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have a childhood that was _not_ like mine. I have no real frame of reference, but when I question strangers I've found that their childhood generally had much less blood in it, and also that strangers seem uncomfortable when you question them about their childhood. But really, what else are you going to talk about in line at the liquor store? Childhood trauma seems like the natural choice, since it's the reason why most of us are in line there to begin with. "

― Jenny Lawson , Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

4 " I've found, though, that people are more likely to share their personal experiences if you go first, so that's why I always keep an eleven-point list of what went wrong in my childhood to share with them. Also I usually crack open a bottle of tequila to share with them, because alcohol makes me less nervous, and also because I'm from the South, and in Texas we offer drinks to strangers even when we're waiting in line at the liquor store. In Texas we call that '_southern hospitality_.' The people who own the liquor store call it 'shoplifting.' Probably because they're Yankees.

I'm not allowed to go back to that liquor store. "

― Jenny Lawson , Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

6 " I am the Wizard of Oz of housewives (in that I am both "Great and Terrible" and because I sometimes hide behind the curtains "

― Jenny Lawson , Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

8 " A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they're the ones who helped you put them there."
And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they help you dig them back up. "

― Jenny Lawson , Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

10 " I can finally see that all the terrible parts of my life, the embarrassing parts, the incidents I wanted to pretend never happened, and the things that make me "weird" and "different," were actually the most important parts of my life. They were the parts that made me ME. "

― Jenny Lawson , Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

12 " No really. What exactly did you do today, Jenny? Quantify it for me."
"It's not quantifiable. There aren't even metrics for the shit I do. "

― Jenny Lawson , Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

14 " I try to be appreciative of what I have instead of bitter about what I’ve lost. "

― Jenny Lawson , Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

16 " If someone asked me to pick out my own vagina’s mug shot out of a lineup of vaginas, I’d be helpless. And probably concerned about what exactly my vagina had been doing that constituted a need for its own mug shot. "

― Jenny Lawson , Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

18 " But really, what else are you going to talk about in line at the liquor store? Childhood trauma seems like the natural choice, since it’s the reason why most of us are in line there to begin with. "

― Jenny Lawson , Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

20 " P.P.P.P.S. Also, if you try to make a shrimp boil, but the bag of spices bursts, and so you just toss it in along with whatever spices you can find in the pantry--you can make homemade pepper spray. Unintentionally.
And everyone at your dinner party will run outside for the next hour, coughing and tearing up as if they've been maced, because technically they kind of have been, because mace was one of the spices I found in the panty. I blame whoever makes spice out of mace, and I remind my gasping dinner guests that even if I did mace them, I did it in an old fashioned, homemade, Martha Stewart sort of way. With love. "

― Jenny Lawson , Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir