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If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger QUOTES

If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger QUOTES

1 " The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home.
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― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

2 " Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart. "

― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

3 " I work in a hotel. I know what you’re probably thinking, and no, I am not a hooker. Not unless you’re not a cop. "

― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

4 " Word of mouth—it's more powerful, more convincing, and more audible than word of hand. If you need me, I’ll be in the audience clapping. "

― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

5 " A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin. "

― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

6 " I want to make enough money to buy an island. Something modest, like Australia. "

― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

7 " I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics.
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― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

8 " Men lie to get laid, women lie about orgasms, and hermaphrodites lie to themselves.
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― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

9 " If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it did, I’d stand up and say, “Lecture’s over. "

― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

10 " I have a container full of yelling I keep in my kitchen. It makes a great cleaning product, as it’s wonderfully abrasive. "

― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

11 " I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22 "

― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

12 " Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow. "

― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

13 " Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advanced we are! "

― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

14 " I collect collect calls from the 80s. I prefer them in mint condition, meaning the phone's still ringing. "

― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

15 " When she offered me a spot of tea, I said, “No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt. "

― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

16 " She’s the kind of woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with—after I turn 99. "

― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

17 " I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat. "

― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

18 " Sometimes I think I know her. This is not one of those times. This is not 3:33. "

― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

19 " The butcher died, and he requested to be cremated. But I don’t want to burn him, because I like my meat medium rare. "

― Jarod Kintz , If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger