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moans  QUOTES

3 " Breaking the circle”

My eyes darken when I see my new lover. Fresh prey.
My body doesn’t really react in a sexual way.
It’s the devil inside me that celebrates next conquest.
We exchange meaningless sweet words.
His hungry gaze penetrates my breasts and ass.
Another drink and laughter.
And then another one.
Sometimes I get very drunk or high.
And then I don’t feel him between my legs.
I don’t see his sweating face.
I don’t hear his moans and questions if I came.
I can’t stay sober when I cheat on you.
I’m such a coward that I can’t even face this inner monster.
It consumes me, it takes away my dignity.
It makes me do horrible things.
It hurts you, the only one who ever loved me.
Who knows what I really am.
No. It’s not the monster. It’s me. I am the whore.
I dig my nails into your soft flesh until it bleeds.
I am the one pushing you away, feasting on your kindness.
I blame those hard punches of my past for my infidelity.
Those cruel hands. Those hateful words.
I try not to, I really do.
I try to be a better person.
But how can I if I am just nobody?
You know why I leave. Yet you stay. You’re there when I’m back.
With your sorrow and cry and resentment and wrath.
Why?
If I’m broken because of my pain what’s your excuse?
Why do you keep letting me treat you like a stray dog?
Don’t you have any respect for yourself?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
And just when I think I have my own slave for life you break the circle.
You shut the door with a grimace of relief.
You can’t look at me anymore.
See, you’re finally free!
My inner innocent girl is happy for you.
But the monster inside kicks and laughs at me.
I’m left alone.
I dress up and go hunting. "

Asper Blurry , Train to the Edge of the Moon

14 " Luke said that he was surprised when I showed up at his room. That he hadn’t meant to give me the wrong idea. That he would never have taken it beyond just kissing. And he looked so genuine. So trustworthy. So sorry about what had happened. He almost convinced me that I’d misread his signals.” Hallelujah pauses. “The whole time, I kept my mouth shut. I wish I hadn’t. But I was still so humiliated. And I felt guilty. I made out with him. I liked it. And no one made me go to his room.”
Her voice breaks. She has to swallow past a lump in her throat.
“I know Luke’s not a good guy. I know what he did isn’t my fault. It’s his. But still, none of it would’ve happened if I hadn’t gone to his room.”
She’s almost there. Almost done. Almost heard. Something deep inside her hurts like it hasn’t hurt in a long time. But she knows that this gash had to reopen in order to heal. That’s how wounds work. They need air.
“I knew I’d get punished, and I did. My parents grounded me. I was put on youth group probation. But I honestly thought Luke’s lies would just fade away if I kept a low profile. There’s always gossip about someone. This time it was me.”

...

“Luke is still telling people about what supposedly happened that night,” Hallelujah says. “And he makes fun of me. All the time. What I look like, what I say, my name. And he does this thing at church: whenever we sing a hymn with my name in it, he sings it like he’s hooking up with me. He sings the word ‘hallelujah’ at me. He moans it. And I hate it.” That’s one of the reasons she stopped singing: his voice, his fake grunts of satisfaction, ruining the music she loved so much.
“You said,” she says to Jonah, “he wanted to keep me upset. To keep me from telling anyone what really happened. Well, it worked.” She pauses. “Until now.”
“Until now,” Rachel repeats. Then she curses. “I can’t believe him. I can’t believe he got away with it.”
“I let him get away with it,” Hallelujah says softly.
“No. He’s the one who crossed the line. And okay, maybe you could’ve spoken up sooner. But if no one pushed you for your side of the story, that’s on them.” Rachel yawns and stretches. “And when we get home, we’re going to set the record straight. "

Kathryn Holmes