" Use your words!' is a common instruction given to small children, sometimes even when they don't really have the right words. But the best way for us to use our words is to help kids see that the reason to help - and not to hurt - isn't what they'll get out of it, but the effects their actions have on others. To put it differently, I'm all in favor of teaching by 'consequences,' as long as the consequences we're stressing are those experienced by the people our children are interacting with rather than just those that they themselves experience. "

― Alfie Kohn , Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason