QUOTE : It’s compulsive but we actually find the painful repetition pleasurable.” He took another sip. “It doesn’t sound pleasurable.” “It’s how we self-soothe. How we maintain the illusion that we are in control of our lives. For example, you repeat ‘Pick up’ in hopes that the outcome each time will be different. And you are repeatedly embarrassed, are you not?” He waited for me to respond but I wouldn’t meet his eyes. “You are hoping to master the experience. The pain is what we know. It’s our barometer of reality. We never trust pleasure.” Every time Howard looked at me I felt bare.