QUOTE : Drowning in Blue<br /><br />Pulled deeper and deeper<br />into the void,<br />I dig down<br />into my pocket,<br />find the capsule I stashed,<br />first beneath a flap of tongue,<br />then in a cave of fleece.<br />I hold it like a jewel,<br />the key to some magic<br />kingdom where only good<br />feelings are allowed.<br /><br />Funny, but sometimes all I feel<br />is good. More than good.<br />Great. Invincible.<br />When Mama felt like that, <br />Daddy called her manic.<br />But why is mania bad,<br />if it means you're on top of the world, where<br />everything is white? Bright.<br /><br />I wish I were up there now,<br />instead of treading water<br />in this damn blue hole.<br />This magic pill won't fly<br />me there. It will only take<br />me halfway, to what others<br />call normal and I call gray--<br />toeing a straight gray line<br />is all medication is good for.<br />Bad genes have doomed me<br />to seesaw, white to blue<br />and back again,<br />for the rest of my pitiful life.<br /><br />And the thought of that<br />makes me want<br />to open a vein,<br />experience pain,<br />know I'm alive, despite<br />this living death.