QUOTE : You started out mad, frustrated, and defensive, and you expected things to go downhill from there. After each angry thing you said, you paused, instinctively waiting for me to lecture you, confront you, or focus on your counterproductive behavior. If I’d done any of those things, you probably would have dug your heels in and argued with me—even if you secretly agreed with what I said. So I did just the opposite. Instead of shutting you down, I encouraged you to go deeper by using words like “Hmmm,” “Really,” and “And so.” Each time I did that, you calmed down a little more.