" Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father's shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied out the contents of his pockets. A lighter, three nail files, a pocket wrench, a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a nectarine fell onto the folding table. I looked at the woman, looked at my father, and then looked around to see if anyone else was watching.

"What's the problem?" my father asked the woman.

"Sir, I'm going to have to take this lighter away from you," she said.

"The lighter?" I asked her. "What about the bomb kit he's carrying around? He could do a lot more damage to a person with that wrench."

"I need the wrench!" he shrieked.

"For what?"

"What if something goes wrong with the plane? "

― Chelsea Handler , Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea