" ...It wasn't that I couldn't open up; it was just that I needed to control the information. I needed to think about it in advance, I needed to look at the pages of my journal in the middle of the night and consider which ones to type.

But I was disappointed. I wished I could do it over again and feel what it would have been like not to hold back. I had been given a chance to be known, and I had not taken it...Everyone else had taken a risk...and come out closer.

...for years I'd still be standing on that stage, not knowing what I wanted, to withhold or to reveal, to yield or to protect. Refusal was safer: less risk...The gestures I committed to were self-denial and containment. But was that really what I wanted? Because for years I'd still wonder what it would be like not to hold tight...what it would be like to say. "

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